My chastity journey

One last thought about Professional Domination

2005-07-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote a bunch the other day about professional domination, but I missed one important item -- safety. Seeing a professional dom, whose been around for a while, has a little bit of reputation, and seems interested in her skills as a dom has, oddly enough, been very safe. Professionals are ususally interested in having you come back, so even thought limits are pushed, they are seldom trangressed.

On the other hand, a quick look at craig's list or other amateur sites show how really scary it is out there.

2005-07-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

One of the commentators to this weblog made a comment about how it "sucks" that I was involved with a professional dominant. Mistress Katja was offended by the comment, and I’ve been thinking about it a little bit.

I saw my first professional dominant about 30 years ago, and, while not really experienced, have had long term relationships with three different dominants. I’ve also been married to a woman who was interested in kinky sex play, and I’ve been a member of various kink clubs or groups.

The biggest issue is the invisible hand of Adam Smith. Quite simply, the supply of beautiful dominant women is limited and the supply of submissive guys like me is big. So, if I was a woman with an interest in kink, I’d have a wide supply of submissives to choose from. On the other hand, beautiful women in leather don’t line up to date me.

Which brings me to the next issue – Beauty. When I’m in sub-space, I think I’d roll over for the ugliest person in the world. But to get to sub-space, for me there has to be that initial attraction. Most professional doms that I have seen are beautiful, some quite so. I think that at heart I’m hetero, so the beginning of a sub-dominant relationship I think for me needs to be hetero. I know Mistress Katja has been changing my thinking about my relationship with men, but I still don’t look at men walking down the street in the same way that I look at women. At the SM club in my town, I have to say the number of beautiful women is limited. (Many of the beautiful women there are gay, and aren’t interested in me). And I may be politically incorrect, but weight is a big issue for dominant women. I recently put a personal on Alt.com, and all of the responses were from very heavy women. I’m sure I could be submissive to them, but I’m not going to seek them out.

Lastly, for a guy like me, the clean, pure altogether submissive relationship with a dominant woman works just great. The mixed messages I’ve had in non-professional relationships are often difficult. Mistress Katja, on the other hand, seems to be interested in seeing how far she can push my boundaries, not something that can be done on a daily basis.

The commentator indicated that my relationship with Mistress Katja wasn't real. On the contray, I think it's one of the most real things I've ever done. I look at my time with Mistress Katja as one of the great adventures of my life. I’ve run out of money, but that’s a temporary thing. She has been great – imaginative, cruel, insightful, and beautiful.

Out of custody

2005-07-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

In June, Mistress Katja and I agreed to a "sabbatical" from chastity. There were a number of reasons for this, all on my part. First, I found it impossible to ride a bike with the chastity device on. Because I wasn’t riding my bike I was getting fat, and somewhat depressed. The other reason was financial. I simply couldn’t afford to see her as often as either she or I would like. So I’m sorry to disappoint my half-dozen regular readers and I have no new tales of pain or humiliation.

Some of you might like to know how its been. Aside from the freedom to masturbate, my life hasn’t changed all that much. I still follow most of the feminization routine that Mistress ordered. That is - panties every day, bubble baths twice a week, perfume every day, legs nicely shaved. I’ve given up my regular visits to the nail salon. Cost again, but when I took the polish off I discovered a nasty fungus under my nails. I’m sure I picked it up at the nail salon and it’s going to take forever to get rid off. Mistress insisted that while I was on sabbatical that I not ‘play’ at chastity, so I haven’t. I still tend to sit down when I pee, although being free to stand up is great at times. One thing that has changed thought, is that I now jerk off to pictures of men.

Emotionally, its been difficult. I miss seeing her, and I also really miss the ever present reminder of my sexuality that was locked on my penis. I thought that I would jerk off like crazy when I was released, but what happened was that my general interest in sex decreased somewhat. I’ve also realized that a good whipping every so often does wonders for my mental condition. I saw an item on the net a while back that said soviet doctors prescribed whipping for depression. If only I could get my doc to prescribe regular visits to Mistress K.

If any of you are interested, Mistress Katja said that someone had, perhaps in jest, offered to pay for a session with her and me. If that appeals to you, let me know.

More Nettles

2005-05-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

Mistress K asked me to write more about the nettles. First, the experience is a little odd. For example, when you get caned or paddled, the event and the pain are as nearly simultaneous as can be. Whack, it hurts. There’s some pain following, but it’s less. The nettles were exactly opposite. They barely brush your skin, you think "this isn’t too bad" and then the pain slowly increases. And increases and then doesn’t go away. It’s a terrible sensation. And it hurts like the dickens.

I hurt from the nettles from the afternoon until I went to bed. Alleve worked to reduce the pain by bedtime, but it still hurt. I should mentioned that my ass hurt the worst, and some of that pain may have been caused by my ass-presensitization caused by a little caning.
The next day, my whole body felt swollen. I mentioned in my earlier post that my chest was bigger. I’ve got little fat boy breasts, (Phil Mikelson B-cups) and yesterday they were substantially bigger. The pain had gone away, but I still had red spots and welts.

I started a thread on Max Fisch about this and I’m curious what other’s experience is.

Nettles

2005-05-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

Well, fans, I’m out of chastity. I was locked up for more than sixty days with no release, but Mistress Katja and I agreed to take a sabbatical for the summer. And she said I wasn’t to be locked up unless she had the key, that chastity was not a game. I agree.

I saw her the other day. It was my birthday, and for a present she brought a bunch of nettles. I had read about stinging nettles (St. Keven rolled in Nettles to control his sexual desire) but I had never experienced them. So I got strokes for my birthday with nettles. Nothing the truly evil Mistress K has ever done has hurt so much. The pain was like a slow burn, first the stroke and then, seconds later, the burn. She whipped my whole body with them, clamped nettle leaves on my nipples, and even whipped my penis. Then, she had me get dressed, put some nettles around my balls, and had me run an errand. I could barely walk. My body hurt all day, and the next day I still had welts. My chest was swollen, making my breasts larger.

I have done more, and gone further, in my submissive nature in the last six months, than I did in a lifetime of fantasy. I’m pretty proud of it, and I’m truly grateful to Mistress Katja for taking me along this road.

Enema

2005-05-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are counting, I’m about fifty seven days without release from my chastity belt. I saw ( the truly evil) Mistress Katja yesterday, and, while she let me out for a minute, I was back in without relief or release before I knew it.

My time with Mistress was overwhelming emotionally. A nice image – I was streched up on a St. Andrew’s cross (a ‘x’ shaped frame). The cross was facing a brick wall. Mistress was beating me. She would take her time, picking out a new whip, walking around behind me, swishing the whip around. As I faced forward, I could see her shadow, and the shadow of the whip on the the brick wall in front of me. The shadow was scary, as scary as the sound of the cane whizzing through the air. It was the first time she had caned me, and it really hurt.

For the first time in my life, I had an enema. In fact, I had several. These were what Mistress Katja called ‘punishment enema’s’. They weren’t very painful, but they were extremely, totally and effectively demoralizing. By the time they were done, I was in what’s called sub-space, and my only desire was to please Mistress Katja.

I wanted to show off my new bra and panties that I had bought at Victoria’s secret, and my reward was clothes pins on my nipples. While nipple torture is painful, its real benefit is that my nipples remain sore and erect for a day or so following.

Mistress Katja wants to see me more often. I had a comment here that I'm in another world than most. I admit that my behavior as cataloged on this blog is pretty deviant. But, I'm still excited by it, and I haven't hurt anyone, except myself. I'm getting old, and I don't want to spend my life in fantasy, when reality is available. Mistress Katja is young, creative, beautiful and keeps pushing my limits. At this point, though, she hasn't reached them.

Slavery essay

2005-05-05T05:52:00.000-07:00

While looking at porn on the internet, I saw a movie clip of a woman, kneeling in a bathtub. Guys were pissing on her, you couldn’t see the men, just the tips of their penises. They were verbally abusing her as well, and at one point, when told to, she looked at the camera, and said "I’m a piece of shit." Thinking about this scene, it struck me as about as totally degrading as something could get, and yet her total submission turns me on.

The path that I am is, I’m afraid, similar. I was thinking this morning in bed about how much Mistress Katja controls my life. She obviously has the key to my penis. In addition to keeping me from masturbating, the fact that my penis is locked up, as well as my shaved legs, painted toenails and panties, has changed how I relate to women. When I meet women in social situations, I’m constrained, because I don’t want to have to explain that I’m someone else’s property, and that even if she was interested in me, I’d have to get the key before we could have sex.

Mistress Katja also controls a lot of my imaginary life too. My sexual obsession used to be relieved by masturbation, and because it was relieved, it had limits. Because all I can do now is fantasize, my obsession takes larger parts of my life (here I am writing at 5:30 in the morning), and has gone in different directions at her wish. Before I started this I would never have fantasized about men, and now, because she told me to, I do.

My ordinary day to day life is controlled as well. I’ve given up my favorite hobby, because I can’t do it with the chastity belt on. My budget is constrained by my relationship with her. And I think about her a lot.

So being a slave isn’t living in the basement and being dragged out for sex, it’s a gradual and total change, that leads to an acceptance of my submissiveness. Its expressed in changes in my life, and a willingness to abase myself. So if asked, or if told to, I would gladly get pissed on, drink the piss and allow a video of myself on the internet saying "I’m a piece of shit", but I’m Mistress Katja’s piece of shit, and that possession is the important part.

Pink nightgown

2005-05-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend I got high speed internet, and being the guy that I am, I’ve spent a bunch of time looking at porn, especially movies. I mentioned yesterday that I’m fascinated by blowjob shots, facials and things like that, and that I imagine myself in the receiving role. Another spot is The Other World Kingdom. This is a place in the Czech Republic, in an old castle, which is run as a kingdom run by women. It’s a real place, and one can go there and visit, but as a submissive, you’d want to think twice, because it’s the real deal, with dungeons, and ponyboy play and all that stuff.

At any rate, I spent a couple bucks and subscribed to their movie site (www.OWK-cinema.com) and have had some thoughts. First, they have some amazing stuff. A guy caned until his ass bleeds. The guy I mentioned yesterday who had breasts. But more importantly, I was thinking about who I am. So on the internet, I see a guy pathetically crying as he’s whipped. I don’t think about what a doofus this guy is, I’m impressed with how beautiful and powerful the woman whipping him is. I want to be him, even if he is going farther than I’m currently willing to go in submission, and even if a part of my brain violently disagrees.

So here I am trying to keep my self-esteem, with my penis locked up, no key in sight. I’m sitting at my computer in my nice pink nightgown. I don’t think I have a choice.

A submissive day

2005-05-02T13:17:00.000-07:00

What a day for a submissive. Somehow, since my family left, I’ve been more committed to becoming as submissive as could be. So today, I went and got my toenails painted, fucked myself with dildo while watching some gay cum shot porn, posted an introductory note on a BDSM website, and am now going to shave my legs and take a nap. Later, I’m going to go shopping for an outfit I could where to the SM club which shows my true submissiveness. I think I dress too much like a top. Wrong semiotics.

coffee

2005-05-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

Well, I tried to masturbate again and the experiment was, as the scientists say, ‘not replicable’ so today I am totally horny, totally at the mercy of my chastity device, and my Mistress is far away. She told me at one point she was going to mail me the key as she was going to be out of town, but I guess that’s just more exquisite torture.

I went to the S&M club last night for a couple of hours. I have trouble meeting people there and I definitely have trouble asking for what I want. I look, I think, somewhat like a top, when at heart I’m a bottom. Moreover, there’s a cadre of older guys who just look, and I don’t want to be like them. So, I’m going to go buy myself some leather or vinyl club clothes. I look ridiculous in drag, but that humiliation is part of what I crave.

Playing around with my new high speed internet, I saw a video from the Other World Kingdom. The interesting part about it was that the Dominatrix was torturing a guy about my age with a nice set of breasts. The guy was pretty ugly, but he had a nice rack. Makes me wonder.

Lastly, on days when I don’t go to work, I don’t drink as much coffee as I do when I do go to work, and then I wake up with a terrific headache. Two solutions present themselves – First, cut down on coffee all the time, Second, drink more coffee on the weekends.

I wish Mistress Katja was in town, I really would like to see her.

Coffee

2005-05-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

Chasity belt fails --

2005-04-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

I had family visiting for the last week or so, so I haven’t written here in a while and I’ve been distracted from my usual sexual obsessions. So I’ve been locked up for almost two months now, and I was going to say with no relief, but I figured out how to masturbate yesterday and I did. I don’t think I’ve been horney enough to spend the time trying to figure it out, but I achieved it yesterday. I’m not sure what this means for my future in chastity – I may need a better device. I’ll talk about it with Mistress when she returns from her trip.

I did get high-speed internet, and found some terrific free porn movies. Since I’m anonymous here, I might as well admit I like to look at what’s called blowjob and cum shot pictures. I imagine myself as the woman, kneeling in front of the guy, cum all over my face.

When I last wrote, I was anticipating losing my virginity to a guy. It turns out that both of the guys who were interested flaked out, one way or the other, and I didn’t get to men’s night at the sex club.

My unitarian Jihad Name

2005-04-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

After seeing this referenced on several other blogs (http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/http:/.) (/www.livejournal.com/users/msservalan/), my unitarian Jihad name is:

My Unitarian Jihad Name is: The Pepper Spray of Forgiveness.

Get yours.

Rome

Looking forward to the weekend

2005-04-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

Well, things are heating up in this submissive’s life. I’ve been corresponding with a couple of guys via email. One guy I met thru Craig’s list and another who read my blog. They both want to teach me about how to suck cock etc. Also, the S/M club in my town has a men’s night on Friday. So, the odds are one of these things will work out, and by the beginning of next week I’ll be officially bisexual.

Mistress Katja has given her approval, and she still holds the keys. I wrote her and her response was mostly concern about sexual diseases, a concern I share. So, I’ll try to reduce the risk as much as possible. Sex always had a downside. When I was a kid -- pre-plague -- the risk of pregnancy was incredibly high, and the consequences even worse, because abortion wasn't available. Pre-aids, my understanding is that most gay men had a lot of other STDs, although not life threatening. One of my bigger concerns today is Hepatitis C, sexually transmitted, incurable. But I’m more likely to die from a heart attack.

On another note, I have had trouble riding my bike, and a posted about in on this listserve I get. Altairboy had a terrific response – get a recumbent. I’m going shopping this weekend.

Disappointment

2005-04-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

I’m disappointed that I won’t be sucking a cock this afternoon. The guy who was going to train me had a family thing and canceled. I was excited about it.

Other than that, no news on the chastity front. Although I wish I could find a way to ride my bike comfortably with the device on. What happens is that the ring slips forward of my balls, and then the friction causes the piercing to rub against my shorts. Its a little uncomfortable and I know that it doesn't feel right. My worry is that I'll start the piercing to work out. And then of course, there's no more peeing behind bushes for me.

Very sore nipples

2005-04-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

Mistress Katja called me yesterday and we got together last night. It was a very intimate and intense session as she had me bound on the floor and tortured me with small things – little wheels of pain, branding incense, ice, hot wax, nipple clamps. She was at her evil best and I left completely destroyed. In honor of our six month anniversary, she didn’t unlock my chastity belt at all. Due to our schedules, it will be at least a month before my poor little dick is free again.

She is encouraging of my attempts to widen my network of people to whom I’m out. (That is a really bad sentence!). We talked a little bit about my Craig’s list ad and my going to the BDSM club in town. Her direction, as always, was good, to be careful and be safe.

I haven’t got much response from my Craig’s list ad. One fairly reasonable sounding guy and a couple not so good sounding. I’m going to keep trying with the one guy and see if anything works out.

My nipples are very sore this morning, but I’m not whining about it.

Some days are harder than others

2005-04-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

First, about yesterday. I was writing about how normal my sissified life has become, and I didn’t even mention that I wear scent every day. I usually wear Chanel #5, (I think I like the old ladyish style thing) and I notice when I forget to put it on. This behavior comes from a man who didn’t even wear deodorant.

Some days are harder than others to be in chastity. I was horny and frustrated all day yesterday. I didn’t feel very good, a low grade headache, and spent the day lounging around the house, being horny. Since being horny makes me do either submissive or feminine things, it gets worse as the day goes on. It doesn’t do me any good to dress in lingerie, look at porn on the web, fantacize about my future sex life, and then at the end of the day, be in the same frustrated, locked up state I started in. This is my life as Mistress Katja’s chastity slave.

I think I may try to force the issue of my bisexuality. I think I’ll but an ad on our local Craig’s list, to see if there’s a nice guy out there who wants to teach me to suck cock. Just putting the ad in doesn’t commit me to anything. The ad will read – 57 year old submissive, currently the chastity slave of a dominant woman, needs to be taught how to sexual service men. I’m looking for a man willing to be my instructor. I’m sorry, I can’t reciprocate due to my chastity device. Please be non-smoking, no drugs.-- I’ll put it up and see who responds.

Life goes on

2005-04-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

I don’t know, but I have a new alarm clock, and it freaks me out because its sets the time itself. So, when I woke up this morning, it had already adjusted itself to daylight savings time. How did it know how to do that? What else does it know how to do. It also resets itself when its unplugged.

I haven’t been writing that much in this blog and of course I feel guilty about it. I know that Mistress Katja likes me to reveal my humiliation in public and also likes to keep up with my progress. What is happening is that I’m used to my life as a chastized and feminized slave. So without something "new" to report I tend to say nothing. So, I wear panties every day, I get a little thrill out of choosing which pair – I like satin but I do wear cotton. I also prefer bikini, rather than high cut, and thongs just don’t work for me. At least twice a week I take a bubble bath and shave my legs. I use a perfumed bubble bath product, and I really look forward to it, music, book, a little quiet time. Most days I spend time training to train my ass to take a cock. I have a selection of dildo type toys, and I try to work up to my biggest. Mistress Katja wants me to be oriented towards taking cock, either in my ass or in my mouth. A couple of times a week I’ll get in a chat room on the internet and have internet sex with a guy. Sometimes I pretend to be a woman, and sometimes I just go as I am in a gay chatroom. I try to look at gay porn on the internet as well, just to get me oriented towards cocks as sexual. (Of course its the submission that's sexual, the object doesn't really matter.)

When I write down what my life is like, it seems way out there, but here in the middle of it it's normal, average, perhaps even banal. One thing I like about it is that I know I’m not at the end of the journey. More will come, and if Mistress Katja has anything to do about it, it will be even more humiliating and degrading. I’m looking forward to it. I know that for sure in the near future I’ll have a real cock in my mouth or ass or both. What other adventures await me I don’t know.
I went to our town’s BDSM sex club last night. It gave me a chance to wear my new man kilt out in public for the first time, with shaved legs and thong panties, I loved the thrill of the cold air up my skirt. I didn’t know anybody there, and certainly don’t know the protocol for asking somebody to whip me, but what a scene. One of the adventures I look forward to is being in a scene in public.

I missed a phone call from Mistress Katja this week because I had misplaced my cell phone. Boy do I have regrets.

Frisson

2005-03-28T15:34:00.000-08:00

Frisson is defined as a brief moment of emotional excitment; shudder or thrill. So yesterday I opened the front door to pick up the paper, and as I bent down I saw my shaven legs under my bathrobe and my pink painted tonails. Frisson.

I handed my key back to Mistress Katja and had a shudder of fear and regret. Frisson.

I was talking to a male barista, and realized that he was now in my world of sexual possibilities. Frisson.

Sitting down to pee in the restroom at the coffee shop, and getting a whiff of the Chanel #5 that I wear. Frisson.

A guy in my office, with a scent like Mistress Katja’s. Frisson.

Speaking of toenails, I have permission from Mistress Katja to do my own, because I’m in a cashflow kinda crunch these days. Its fucking hard. I’m blind in one eye, old and reaching them and getting it right are very difficult. I guess I’ll just have to keep practicing. The cashflow crunch also is making it difficult for me to see Mistress Katja as much as I’d like. I wish that I could make money from being a sub, but the old law of supply and demand – more subs fewer doms, makes my sexual preferences non-marketable. I’ll take suggestions.

Went to Victorias Secret today, because I had a coupon for a free pair of panties. It was kind of routine, I'm sure the salesgirl knew they were for me, but she was totally cool about it. Just think, six months ago I remember walking around outside the store building my nerve up to go in.

Penis torture

2005-03-23T20:58:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning after dreaming about Mistress Katja torturing my penis. She has tried to train it to get soft when I hit it with a whip. It doesn’t work very well and I dislike that exercise immensely. But I thought it odd to dream about it.
We exchanged emails yesterday and today and she was gracious enough to remind me that I’m her property, a fact that I sometimes forget.

Some miscellaneous thoughts

2005-03-21T12:07:00.000-08:00

I had a housewarming party at my new apartment yesterday, and I wonder what all my friends would think if they saw me now, sitting in front of the computer, wearing panties and a bra, with metal contraption wrapped around my penis. What if they could see into what I have just been doing? I’ve been ‘sluthole training’ for Mistress Katja. Which consists of using dildos in my butt and looking at pictures of penises on the web, as I progress further along the line towards complete – I don’t know – degradation, humiliation, feminization, – something like that.

I was planing to go to our local S&M club on Friday, which was men’s night, but I chickened out. At some point I know I’m going to get fucked by and suck on a real cock, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to the club and look.

I had the scarey thought last night that I may never fuck anyone again.

Back as the saddle again.

2005-03-14T17:08:00.000-08:00

I saw Mistress Katja yesterday and I promised her that I would say here on my blog that she is ‘truly evil.’ Nothing that happened between us yesterday would lead me to believe it isn’t so.
I hadn’t seen her for almost a month, and I had the key in my possession for two weeks, so it took some mental reordering on my part to get ready. I’d been masturbating while I had the key, and realizing that I was going to loose that ability was a little daunting.

Just so my faithful readership knows how enslaved I am, she put clothes pins on my nipples and balls, had me stuff large balls up my ‘sluthole’, put me in a bra and panties and then sent me out to buy her an espresso. By the time I returned I was almost in tears from the pain on my nipples. My job, of course, was to be submissive to the barista.

She also shared her goal for me with me yesterday. That goal is to turn me into a slut, her bitch. She wants me to be able to cum while I’m being fucked in the ass. Ergo, my assignments to loosen my sluthole, and masturbate looking at gay porn. She said something along the line of taking the last bit of my masculinity away from me.

So here I am, back locked up, looking at a emasculated future. Wow.

Unlocked

2005-03-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

Well, out of chastity for a while. I got subpoenaed to testify in a court case, and the local courthouse has tighter metal dectectors than the airport, so I called Mistress Katja and asked for the key, which she gave to me a week ago Friday. What happens in this county when you are asked to testify, is that there is very little certainty about when you will appear and I haven’t testified yet. But it looks like tommorrow I’ll testify and then lock myself back up and send the keys to Mistress K.

Being free has been weird. I’m so used to being locked up that I still do things automatically, like sit down to pee. I’ve also continued with all of the feminazation routines Mistress K has ordered. So I keep my legs shaved, wear perfume etc. She has me doing "sluthole training" with a dildo. I now have to look at gay porn when I do so and I’m getting used to getting turned on looking at erect cocks. Since I’ve been able to jerk off this week I’ve made the effort only to jerk off looking at gay porn. (Random thought – if conservatives aren’t able to convert gay men into straight, will Mistress K be able to convert this straight guy into gay?)

I’m a little pissed off because I haven’t been able to figure out how to post pictures on this blog. I’m going to have to ask for help on that.

My brand is healing nicely. I don’t think its going to be real obvious, but its certainly going to be there

Branded

2005-02-25T07:29:00.000-08:00

I almost always wake up in the middle of the night with an erection. The last couple of nights I’ve been so hard it actually is painful. My darkest thoughts about my predicament also occur at that time. I was thinking last night about Mistress Katja’s concentrated face as she said "look at Me" and proceeded to burn my nipple. The burning of the letter K on my breast is healing and obviously going to scar. I’ve been BRANDED

I’ve come a long way from the callow dude who hid women’s panties and jerked off with them years ago. Now I wear panties every day, I open my panty drawer and make a selection. Cotton today, or satin? How much lace.? But even the panties could go away, but not Mistess Katja’s BRAND.

I’ve come a long way from last fall when I met Mistress Katja, and could negotiate my limits. I could say ‘I’d like to try some chastity play.’ It’s not play any more, its real, its slavery and I"ve been BRANDED.

Just last fall I would read transvestite stories on Fictionmania, and jerk off. Now I can’t jerk off due to my chastity device. And transvestite stories have been replaced by gay porn. Soon I believe that Mistress Katja will complete my transformation into a completely bisexual person. And of course I’ll agree, after all I’ve been BRANDED.

I was thinking, what if I went out on a date, or was at the beach, and someone asked me about the mark on my chest. I’d have no option but to admit, I was BRANDED.

In the immortal words of the Talking Heads, 'This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this aint no fooling around."

Gay Porn and Yoko Ono

2005-02-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

I’m always surprised by how much a session with Mistress Katja takes out of me. I was dragging around all day yesterday and slept like a baby last night. Among the places Mistress Katja burnt with that incense was my nipples. All the other places are healing pretty easily but my nipples have been pleasantly sore and erect all day.

The other place that is different is the letter ‘K’ that she burnt on my breast. Its looking pretty good. It may be permanent. I’m going to try to figure out how to put pictures up on this blog and I’ll try to get a picture of the K up this coming weekend. I’m noticing that power is more and more transferring to Mistress Katja, from just wearing panties to a permanent mark. When I left her the other night I handed her the key to my chastity device and my heart gave a funny little lurch.

One of her assignments is that I have to train my sluthole. In English, practice fucking my ass with a dildo. The new part is that I have to watch gay porn videos while doing it. I spent a pleasant hour this afternoon with things up my butt watching porn. I can easily imagine being on my knees with a nice cock in my mouth. I am also intriqued by the cum-shots, and could also imagine having cum sprayed on my face and chest. The long fucking sequences are, quite frankly, boring. Yoko Ono, in her pre-John Lennon days, made a movie which consisted of two hours of close-ups of people's naked butts, as they walked on a treadmill. The movie had a hallucinatory quality about it if you could sit through it, as the camera angle never changed, and all you saw was a big white ass on the screen. A lot of porn has that same boring quality – unless of course its your exact fantasy. I also rented a movie with transsexuals, and there were a couple of scenes with a transexual being topped by a guy, and I found those scenes very hot.

Back on Track

2005-02-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

I first have to start this entry by abjectly apologizing to Mistress Katja for whining. I am sorry that I have complained in any way about my slave condition. I should remember that there will be times as a slave when I may not be happy, but I am not allowed to complain. In particular, I am not to complain about any aspects of Mistress Katja’s treatment of me, but instead I am grateful for the attention she spends on me.

As you may have guessed from the above, faithful reader, I saw Mistress Katja last night and she adjusted my attitude. When I went to see her I was afraid that circumstances beyond my control would limit our contact for a while but that problem was disposed of early. She approved of my make-up and commented favorably about my perfume. If any of you haven’t met her in person, she wears the most exotic perfume. I could smell it in my car early this morning and it excited me.

She then proceeded to torture me in new (at least to me) ways. First she used a couple of instruments to scratch long lines down my back and legs. She blindfolded me for this and for the next adventure – she burned me.

Mistress stated she used a substance called "branding incense". I was locked in a cage, blindfolded, and little stabs of pain would come from unknown directions. After a while of this, she burned the initial ‘K’ on my left breast. I think the small burns will heal right away, but I think the K will last for a while. I’m proud of it, and want the world to know that I’m Mistress Katja’s slave. Her abject, cross-dressing, humiliated, and grateful slave.

Her new assignments for me are to increase my slut-hole training, as she was disappointed in my progress. I also need to rent some gay videos, to watch while I train, in order to get my mind more oriented to my sexual orientation as a slut.

So, a couple of hours in Mistress Katja’s presence, and I’m more at peace with myself and my adventure.

I’ve been doing a couple of things lately that I wanted to mention. First, I found a bunch of bra’s while I was packing and have taken to wearing them. Not to work, but on the weekend. Since I can’t masturbate with the chastity device on, I often play with my nipples instead and fantasize about having real breasts. So being a smart guy, I did some research on my fantasies. It turns out that not all transsexuals "have a woman locked within" . A number of people are described by a somewhat controversial theory called "autogynephilia’ in which a person is sexually excited by the thought of himself as a female or with female body parts. For some reading try http://www.annelawrence.com/. So maybe I’m not all that weird, but I certainly fit into Dr. Lawrence’s theory – older guy, progress from cross-dressing, other parahelias. (A parahelia is a sexual conduct – like a fetish).

Another day

2005-02-20T18:33:00.000-08:00

No report this week, and I have to admit my chastized condition hasn’t been my dominant idea. I’m moving into my new flat, and having a great time unpacking and putting the place together. I found a bunch of make-up from one of my cross-dressing periods so I’m wearing it now. I’m sitting here killing some time waiting to go see Mistress Katja. I’m sure I’m in for a severe session, because I didn’t go get my nails done this week and I didn’t tell her about it.

I’ve kept up with my other requirements, including training my "sluthole" but now I’m worried that I didn’t train hard enough. I’ve also hadn’t had a very good time in the chat rooms. I keep getting hooked up with weird dudes who don’t just want to do cybersex. I went on yesterday as a guy in a gay chat room and that was interesting.

The bottom line is that my sexuality has to do with power, and me submitting to it. It doesn’ much matter what the sex object is – man, woman, whatever, as long as I’m submitting to power. I’m reading another book by Laurel K. Hamilton, and she deals with these issues obliquely, with vampires, werewolves and such.

Katja said that others of her slaves read and like this blog. I suggest if you like it, please leave me a comment.

Loss of libido

2005-02-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

I’ve been very busy this week, trying to finalize my move and get settled into my new place, so I haven’t thought very much about my condition of slavery.

A confession, this past Monday was the first time I skipped an assignment from Mistress Katja. I didn’t get a pedicure. I was waiting for a delivery and simply didn’t get it done. It didn’t help that I need to find a new place, but at any event I didn’t do it. She did give me permission to not buy panties if I bought something else, so I bought some facial moisturizer, which is nice. I think I’ll start to accumulate some make-up with the panty money.

All of my other chores are going along – slut-hole training, chat rooms. The chat room thing hasn’t been as much fun, somehow I keep getting real asshole guys to chat with.

I was extremely sexualized for the first month in chastity, and I’m starting to feel less sexy all the time. I hope its just that I’ve been so busy and not the beginning of a loss of libido. I’ll stay in touch.

Loss of libido?

2005-02-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

reflections after a month in chastity

2005-02-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

I didn’t record in this journal that I’ve been locked up for thirty days last Thursday, over a month. In that month:

– I’ve never stood up to pee
– I haven’t climaxed
– I’ve worn panties whenever dressed
– I’ve worn a nightgown to bed
– I’ve been beaten hard enough to leave bruises three times
– My legs have always been shaven
– My toenails have always been polished professionally
– I’ve had cybersex with four different men, pretending to be a woman
– I’ve worn perfume everyday (my scent is Chanel #5)
– I’ve practiced fucking my ‘sluthole’ with a dildo three times
– and I’ve lived my normal life, including work, moving my house, family obligations etc.

I also thought I’d describe a typical day for me. It usally starts with waking up sometime between two and four in the morning, because I have to take a leak. Sometimes I’m hard, but that’s less of a problem then it used to be. This time is the dark hour of my day, when I lay in bed fantasizing. This is the time of day when I often have second thoughts about what I’m doing, and feel overwhelmed. This time of day is also when I have my most extreme fantasy thoughts.

Upon awaking, I shower and dress. I try to always put body lotion on my legs and arms. I also spray some perfume. If it’s a work day, I spray the perfume in the general area of my groin. Then, all day, when I pull my pants down to pee, I get a blast of scent. I dress, always picking a nice pair of panties.

My work day is normal, with the exception of sitting down to pee. Nobody at work has called me on sitting down, and I’m feeling pretty cocky about it now. Other places are more problematic - the movies, taverns, coffee shops. I do think about Mistress Katja a lot during work, I’ll often check my email and my blog to see if anything’s happening.

Sunday and Thursday nights I take a bubblebath and shave my legs. I’m starting to look forward to those evenings, I usually soak for a while, read my book or listen to music. I like the freshly shaved leg feeling, smooth and nice. A couple of times a week I’ll do the chat room sex thing, although I don’t have regular days for that. The first couple of times I did it it was really sexy and I really got into it. The last two have been busts, with guys just wanting my phone number or photo. And before I go to sleep, I lube up my new dildo and fuck myself with it. I try to keep going for fifteen minutes or so. I usually sleep in a satin nightgown.

I’ve had some other thoughts lately. I realized that my emotions were on a roller coaster kind of thing and recognized them as the signs of grief – disbelief, anger, bargaining, acceptance. The question I had was what was I grieving. After some thought I realized I was grieving the manly persona I used to be. What Katja is turning me into, with my consent, is a sissy, a slut, a fag, something else. So when I look at a woman these days my panties, chastity device, shaved legs and painted toes make it impossible for me to come on all manly and seductive.

In a similar vein, I wrote in my journal sometime last month that I wasn’t really gay because I wasn’t attracted to men. I’m still not attracted to men, in the sense that a good looking man doesn’t turn my head, but I am practicing looking at them and imagining myself on my knees in front of them. That thought turns me on.

I’ve also been thinking about my relationship with Mistress Katja. Relationship is the wrong word. I have strong feelings about her, but I don’t know how she feels about me. The point I want to make is that she rarely touches me. Only with the end of a whip. And I crave touching. So I have other fantasies that don’t include Mistress Katja.

Another piece that is happening is that I keep looking for places where I can be more "out". I was thinking about seeing a therapist, and when I thought it through, it was really an excuse to be "out’ to someone else. I should get back to the Wet Spot,our local BD/SM club.

Lastly, Mistress Katja responded to my complaint about lack of exercise by suggesting I take up yoga or walking. While these are good suggestions, I found the fact that she is willing to control my life incredibly exciting.

after my move

2005-02-03T08:18:00.000-08:00

I moved this past week and was not able to blog my thoughts after that mind-blowing session with Mistress Katja last week.

On Moday, between waiting for the mover’s and getting a water heater installed, I did find the time to get my toenails painted and buy a pair of panties. The panties are my first animal pattern, leopard spotted bikinis, they look ridiculous on me. My nails are a great bright pink. While I may become more feminine, my taste is certainly slutty. Mistress also required that I buy a dildo and train my ‘slut-hole’ with it at least three times a week. I finally got to Toys in Babeland yesterday to buy the dildo and tried it last night. There was a selection of colors and I got a reddish one with sparkles, again no taste at all. Having a fake penis up my butt certainly is sexy to me. All I can think about is what about really being fucked by someone. I can only hope that someone will find an old chubby guy like me attractive enough.

I’ve had three separate trains of thought this week. The first is that not having the key at all is more of a big thing than I would have guessed. I’m really feeling powerless, owned, in over my head, sexually excited but not really happy. In short, confused. The sadistic part of Mistress Katja probably enjoys this feeling of weakness on my part.

The second is that I’m really giving up things I like to be Mistress Katja’s slave. The weather has been nice here and I would ordinarily be riding my bike to work. But I shower before work at the gym of a Catholic university, and while I could get away with showering with a penis piercing and perhaps with shaved legs, there is no way I could shower with my chastity device and painted toes.I haven’t been on my bike since I’ve had this device on and I’m going to try it this weekend. Loosing the ability to ride to work is a big deal in another way as well. I always struggle to loose weight and daily exercise is important.

The third is that I’ve been fascinated, as I have been in the past, with transgender issues. I’m too old and ugly to ever pass for female, but my fantasy is to be more feminine. I’ve spent some time on the web looking at some serious transgender sites.

I’ll report again soon.

The Emotional Edge

2005-01-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

I had a session with Mistress Katja last night, and it was the most intense session yet. As they used to say in old novels, a curtain, gentle reader will be drawn over the specifics of the activities. But this morning my back shows that Mistress Katja is right handed. My upper back is a mass of welts, and my butt has a couple of good stripes. Mistress Katja gagged me when she whipped me, and I think that let her go further than normal. I was sobbing at the end.

For you chastity buffs among my readers, she took the other key. So now I have no key to the chastity belt. There’s a part of me that gets hard thinking that I’m owned and out of control, and another part that say’s ‘hey, that’s too much.’

Mistress Katja said last night that she thinks sexual obsessions are the only healthy ones. I’d like to think about this thought as well. She has added two exercises to my feminization routine. First, I have to buy a dildo and use it on my ‘slut-hole’ at least three nights a week. Second, I have to continue with the chat room impersonation of a female, but I should also disclose that I am a submissive owned by a dominatrix and that I like to be ass-fucked. I’ll try that later today.

In my youth, when I began cross-dressing, I would often be overwhelmed by shame after I jerked off. So I’d collect a bunch of lingerie, and then periodically, throw it all away. My reaction as a submissive in S&M relations has often been the same. I’d do some, see a mistress for a while and then stop and try to be ‘normal’. I think that I would have done something similar this morning if Mistress Katja hadn’t taken the key. So instead, I’m confronting this feeling this morning. And I’m not sure what the feeling is, but in a large part is an honest recognition that I am someone who gets high by being beaten, who loves being in a power relationship where I’m powerless, who wants in a large part to be like a woman. So the benefit for me of this chastity belt is that I’ve been pushed, emotionally, out of my comfort zone. Way out of my comfort zone

Mistress Katja says that she likes to move people to their emotional edge and keep them there. With me she’s doing a great job.

I'm moving this weekend and between moving the computer, packing, and getting a new phone line in, I may not be able to write for a few days.

Fuck me, please!

2005-01-24T18:38:00.000-08:00

I did go this afternoon and get my manicure and pedicure. My toenails are a nice subdued lavender. I not sure I like this color as much as a girly pink. I also went to a S&M parlor and bought a pair of total sissy panties w/ lots of rows of lace. It was pleasant to be somewhere where I can be totally out.

Got my two bubble baths in, both Saturday and Sunday. I find that I quite like them. Also completed my chat room assignment. I ended up chatting on 321chat with some dude from australia. He asked me if "I liked it rough" and it was a hot session. I spent most of the time we were chating rubbing my nipples.

Which brings me to my next thought. As this course goes on (three weeks tommorrow) I get more comfortable with the feminine things I’m required to do. I spend a lot of time doing these things. What gets me is my fantasies are also getting more and more feminine. Before this all started I would fantasize about Mistress with a strap on, and now its about cocks, and people cumming in my face. Three weeks of unrequited horniness are bringing out my inner girl. And right this minute – I want to get fucked.

At the strip club

2005-01-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

Mistress Katja has ordered me to take two bubble baths a week, and having missed my regular one on Thursday, and being tired I took one yesterday afternoon. I have to admit it raised my mood. When two weeks ago taking a bubble bath was weird and way too feminine, yesterday it felt right. I lay around in the bubbles, shaved my legs, listened to music and it was very relaxing – and very sexy.

Wearing this chastity device, and writing this journal has really "sexualized" my life. I think about sex a lot, often in new ways. An example was yesterday, after my bubble bath, I went out to dinner. I drove by a topless club and decided to go in. I was feeling very sexy and wondered what it would be like doing the tease thing in a strip club with my chastity belt on. Strip clubs have loosened up since I was last in one, it's total nudity on stage and table dances appeared pretty up front. I didn’t have any table dances, I think mostly because I didn’t want to explain about the chastity belt to some young beautiful girl.

Now the really weird part. As I was sitting there, I started to wonder what it would feel like to be one of the girls. Taking off all my clothes in front of a roomful of guys. Asking them to pay me to let them feel me up, doing a lap dance and feeling their erections. The fantasy continued when I lay in bed last night.

My cross-dressing fantasies are getting more and more prevalant, and more and more transsexual. I wonder if wearing the chastity belt is making me less masculine, or is being this horny for so long simply letting long suppressed fantasies arise?

This is a fantasy

2005-01-22T13:31:00.000-08:00

Mistress Katja asked me at our last session to write a fantasy about a session with her and a transexual. I want to emphasize that this is a fantasy and nothing in this essay actually happened.

THIS IS A FANTASY

The facility that Mistress Katja uses for sessions with me is an old Quonset hut in a heavy industrial area. From the outside it looks awful-- rusty, old paint, and a tatty piece of paper hanging near the door "Ring bell for entry". One peculiarity is that the door opens outwards, and after I ring the bell, there’s often a wait, and then the door seems to simply open by itself. The reason for this rather creepy beginning is that Mistress is waiting inside, and doesn’t necessarily want to be seen from the street. Inside, it’s a different world, dim red lighting shows a fantasy land of bondage equipment, ropes hanging from the walls, several racks and chairs. There’s an old fashioned iron bed which looks like a relic from a catholic boarding school. A men’s urinal not connected to any plumbing but with a plastic pipe going down to about floor level. On my right as I walk in is the iron rack that Mistress prefers to whip me on, and I glance at it with a tinge of apprehension.

Mistress is waiting for me inside, wearing a long, heavy black satin robe, which gapes open to show its bright red lining and her red and black corset. Her hair is up, her beautiful and severe face is made up, her legs in hose ending in black high heels. So far, this is a normal beginning to a session with Mistress K. Our sessions have assumed a ritual flavor. First we stop and talk for a few minutes about my mental health, the state of my chastity device, and my general level of frustration. Then I take off my clothes and she ties me to the rack, and uses a variety of floggers and whips on me until I scream and cry. This period is followed by dress-up time, and then tease and denial time. But the point I’m making is that these sessions have always been just me and Mistress Katja. She has made references to my becoming a complete sissy and learning to suck cock, but I’ve come to think that they are only fantasies.

On this day, when I enter the dungeon, I see another woman, sitting on the couch in the rear. As Mistress greets me, I hear the other woman say – "So this is the sissy?" and I can tell from her voice that she is a transvestite or transsexual, although I can’t see her very well in the gloom.
Katja introduces me to Tiffany, who I can see better as she gets off the couch. She is short, with olive skin, and looks somewhat ethnic. She is wearing a black bustier with long thigh high boots. She is shorter than Mistress Katja, but taller than me in her heels. After I say hello, she says "Are you really ready for me sissy?" My mouth is dry and I simply mumble something.
Mistress Katja is all business, however. There is no chat, it’s a simple "get undressed.". Tiffany watches while I undress, and I have a moment of embarrassment as I pull down my panties, that are bright pink today. In a couple of minutes I’m in wrist and ankle cuffs and stretched out on the rack. Mistress Katja and Tiffany have a conversation about how much pain I can take. Katja points out how my erection is pressing against the steel of my chastity device and Tiffany giggles.

After my whipping had progressed to the point where I was squirming to get away from the lash, Tiffany asked Mistress Katja if she could try it. In a moment, Mistress Katja was on my left, and Tiffany on my right, and the blows fell first from one side and then the other. As I tried to pull my butt away from one blow, it ran into another blow from the other side. In only a few moments I was sobbing. I’m always humiliated when I start crying, but I think that Mistress Katja enjoys it.

But this time, I felt Tiffany’s arms hug me from behind. She whispered in my ear ‘Does it hurt little baby?". Her hands came around and pinched my nipples. I could feel her breasts on my back. Then her hand caressed my ass, and I felt one of her fingers search up between my ass cheeks and touch my rectum. I came back from all the pain and realized that today I might really become a sissy.

I was let down, and Mistress Katja had me dress in stockings, panties, heels and a little baby doll top. Usually Mistress Katja does my make up, but this time Tiffany took charge. I’m not a make up expert but I had the feeling that I had a lot more make-up than normal this time.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING ONE

When I was made up, Tiffany said, come over here, sissy. And I wobble over to where she was sitting on a high stool. "On your knees, you know what's next." and I knelt down in front of her.
She pulled her panties aside and pulled out her penis. "Start licking." I bent forward and touched

the tip of it with my tongue. I was very excited, I could feel the heat of my beaten ass, the exoticfeel of the clothes I was wearing. And right in front of my face was a dick.

I did the best I could with her penis. I licked up both sides, and then took in in my mouth. It was smooth, silky almost. It got harder as I ran my mouth up and down it. I took the base with my hand, and rubbed in time with my sucking. After a few minutes, Tiffany pushed me back and stood up.

Remaining on my knees, I looked and saw that Mistress Katja had put on a strap on. The strap-on was about the same size as Tiffany’s cock, but black. Tiffany led me by the hand over to the bed I had seen earlier. Mistress Katja said "on your knees." As I knelt on the bed, I saw Mistess Katja give Tiffany a long kiss. Then Mistress Katja said "which end of this do you want?" and Tiffany replied "I want a piece of that nice red ass."

They kneeled in front of and behind me. I took Mistress Katja’s strap on in my mouth and felt Tiffany’s finger go up my ass. She reached over and I felt her putting some sort of lube. It was hard to concentrate on keeping the strap-on in my mouth as Tiffany’s fingers went in and out of my ass. Then I felt her cock at my ass, and it squeezed in. It hurt and I gave a little gasp, but Mistress Katja held my head in her hands and kept my mouth on the strap on. Tiffany slowly pressed her cock in my ass. When it felt like it was pretty far in, it still hurt, and then she began to push, in and out, in and out. As she pumped me, I felt the hurt decline, and then I started to move with her. I realized that I was flying high, I was totally at the whim of of these two beautiful creatures, I was a total sex toy, and I was being fucked. I felt Mistress Katja and Tiffany lean together above me, and imagined them kissing, although I couldn’t see them. I felt the plastic strapon deep in my mouth, and my ass opening to receive Tiffany.

Mistress Katja came first, holding my head steady as she climaxed. Soon after I felt Tiffany pull my hips tight towards her and pulse into my ass. My poor penis strained against the chastity device. Mistress Katja pushed me off the bed, and Tiffany and her lay side by side, gently kissing.

"Did you like my sissy?" Mistress Katja asked.

"Oh yes, she’s sweet and fuckable." Tiffany replied.

Mistress Katja turned to me, kneeling by the bed. "Wash your face, dress and leave. We’re going to be here a few more minutes."

When I left, Tiffany and Mistress Katja were necking on the bed. My ass was dripping what I assumed was cum, but could also be Santorum (Dan Savage’s word for the mixture of cum and lube that drips from one’s ass.) I felt totally used and degraded, which was what I had hoped for.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING TWO

After my make up was complete, Mistress Katja had me take off my chastity device. She then put my cuffs back on my wrists and ankles and led me over to a chair which was bolted to the floor near the bed. She locked one arm and both legs to the chair and put a bottle of lube on the floor by the chair.

"Tiffany and I are going to let you watch us make love. You can masturbate as much as you want, but you are not allowed to come. Can you do that? Because if you come, you will be punished."

I watched as they fell into each other’s arms and back on to the bed.......

ALTERNATIVE ENDING THREE

After my make up was complete, Tiffany stood back and looked at me. She turned to Mistress Katja and said "She’ll do, I’ll take her." She went to her purse and took out what looked like two large band-aids. As she stuck them on my belly, she told me they were the beginnings of my hormone therapy.

Mistress Katja came over and handed Tiffany not only the box with the key to my chastity device but also my emergency key, which she had inspected earlier. Mistress turned to me and said "I’ve sold you to Tiffany. You won’t see me again, but you are now Tiffany’s property."
Tiffany said "I’m going to help you become a she-male like me. That’s what the hormones are for. I want you over at my place tomorrow, it needs a good cleaning."

A Wet Dream

2005-01-21T17:08:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written in this journal since Tuesday, and I was tired and not really in a writing mood. I did get my nails done on Tuesday, and I think I mentioned that. I also had cyber sex with some dude posing as a woman. I need to talk a little bit about that experience because it was truly disturbing. And very hot. I think the thing that disturbs me how involved I became in it. I usually don’t like role play, but this example was pretty easy. I also don’t think of myself as gay, but there I was, imagining him on top of me, rubbing my poor little nipples. All in all, a WOW experience. Mistress Katja told me a while a ago she was going to rock my world, and that experience did it.

Mistress’s other new homework assignment is coming along. She has asked me to fantasize about having a session with her and a MTF transsexual. I can imagine the end game, but am having trouble with the beginnings.

The last weird thing that happened to me was in the middle of the night Tuesday. I often wake up with an erection, and then fuss around for a while before I can get back to sleep. Tuesday, I was having an erotic dream and woke up with my nice new satin pajamas all stained. A wet dream. I haven’t had a wet dream since adolesence. I’m not sure how my penis figured out how to do it without my assistance, but it did. I haven’t figured out how to masturbate with this device on, so my subconscious is smarter than me.

I’ve been locked up since January 4, that’s seventeen days. Of note is that I have sat down to pee all that time.

1st Chat room

2005-01-18T17:04:00.000-08:00

One of my new assignments was to enter a chat room as a woman. I was supposed to copy the results onto this blog, but I couldn't seem to make a copy of the private chat. Anyway, I adopted the pose of a 40 year old woman, and had chat sex with a guy who said he was a 28 year old guy from CA. It really turned me on, and I'm sure I got him off too. This was on 321 chat, next time I'll try another and see if I can make a copy of it.

Daily report

2005-01-18T13:18:00.000-08:00

Today is two weeks in the chastity device.

No entry yesterday, I seem to be settling in to my status. Twofold status, first as someone who cannot come, whose penis is owned by someone else, and second, as a more and more feminized man. I completed my two chores, bought a pair of panties yesterday at Victoria’s Secret. On sale, 10 bucks, a nice grayish purple low rise bikini with a wide lace band around the top. Very nice, I’m wearing them now, and they fall off a lot. Got my pedicure and manicure today. The shop was too busy yesterday, but today was OK. There were other women getting their nails done, and nothing was said, not even any funny looks. This weeks color is a dark reddish, purplish brown. It looks OK, but I think I liked the pink better. This is the third time I’ve been to the shop and there were a lot of women there today, they were mostly nice.

I haven’t yet tried my new assignment to go into a chat room as a woman. That’s going to be a hard one for me. I am working on my fantasy of Mistress Katja and a TS. When its written out, I’ll post it here.

Emotional Crisis

2005-01-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are keeping track, this is day 12 of being locked up. I saw Mistress Katja yesterday for a session, and while she unlocked me for a while, it really doesn’t matter because I didn’t come.

Before the session I was very excited about it. I had bought two whips, and brought them with me. We started with a little conversation. Mistress Katja was curious about whether my obsession was going to get me into trouble, and I believe my answer satisfied her. My sessions with her are starting to follow a pattern. First she whips me for a while. Yesterday’s whipping was pretty severe, I have some nice marks this morning. After the whipping we play dress up. I show my sissy walk, she makes me up. Then there is a session of tease and denial, which I find exceptionally humiliating for some reason. Yesterday’s twist was a nice glass filed with a warm, light yellow fluid. It’s amazing that my submission is such that I will drink her pee without any argument.

Mistress Katja also asked before the session if I’d had any emotional crises. At that time I hadn’t, being generally happy about being "out" with my submission and making do with all the requirements. Last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. And then I had an emotional crisis. I was focused on not coming, and the desire just to have this thing off for a few days. I could jerk off like I wanted to, stand up to pee, go to the gym. I wanted the "manly man" part of my life back, and I wanted it now. I’m still a little depressed about the whole thing this morning. I’m following through with my routine, just out of the bubble bath, wearing perfume (a free sample of ‘Paris Hilton’), wearing panties. I’ll go get my toenails painted tomorrow.

I have two, no three, new assignments. One, I have to spend one hour a week in a chat room as a woman, (or a gay chat room as a cross-dresser). I should copy some of the dialog on enter it here. Second, I have to spend some time imagining a session with Mistress Katja and a transexual. That's going to be fun, I think.

Freshly Shaved Legs

2005-01-13T21:06:00.000-08:00

Well, sitting here, comfortably in chastity for more than a week. I just got out of my bubble bath, (gardenia lily, a perfectly hideous scent, and the whole apartment smells like it), shaved my legs, and dug out some old cross dressing stuff.

In terms of chastity, its working pretty well. I wake up in the middle of the night very horny. I usually lie there and think of Mistress Katja, and try to be grateful for the opportunity to suffer for her. It sounds corny but I’m doing it, and its powerful when I do. I’ve been to work and it hasn’t been a problem so far, although sitting to pee is not fun. Yesterday, I was in a hurry and unzipped standing in front of the urinal, and then realized I’d better go sit down.

Went back to the S&M store in my neighborhood tonight. I was looking for a sexy little outfit to wear if Mistress wants to feminize me again. I didn’t see anything that I liked, but I did buy the two whips I saw the other day. Now I’m scared to show them to Mistress, because if she sees them I know I’ll be marked soon thereafter. Somehow I disclosed to the saleslady (a different one) about my chastity and she said, all matter of fact, "I had a man in chastity for 90 days once." It turns out she’s a Seattle dominant. When I got home I emailed her my blog site.

I hope to see Mistress Katja this weekend. More then.

Another day

2005-01-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my first day at work wearing the chastity device and it was OK. Just sitting seems to irritate it, although not majorly. Now that I’m getting over my cold, my horniness and obsession have returned full force. While driving home yesterday I got hard for no real reason at all and it just ached. When I woke in the middle of the night last night I tried to masturbate with the thing on and was unsuccessful, so it works.

I’m continuing with my feminine routine. Panties all the time, legs shaved, perfume every day. I notice that now that I’ve used perfume for a few days, the smell of my apartment is now subtly changed. It’s the perfume hanging on to the clothing.

Called Mistress Katja last night and asked for a session this weekend. She said that Friday night would probably work and she would get back to me. When I told her that I thought of her all the time she said something along the line that I had a real slave mentality. I’m taking that as a compliment. She was in a restaurant and we talked only for a few minutes. I hope she’s proud of me.

I stopped by a new S&M shop in my neighborhood the other night. It was fun talking to the proprietress without much shame about my interests. She was showing me the CB 3000 and I said “I can’t get through airport security with the one I’m wearing.” She had two different whips that looked interesting. One was a very thin carbon fiber, which looked like it would hurt like the dickens. The other was longer, and looked like a bunch of canes tied together. The shopkeeper said she likes that one because she usually breaks canes when she uses them. They also had real cool steel slave collars. They fasten with a allen key and are heavy and strong. They’re expensive and they don’t really lock, but I love the looks of them. It would be cool tho, to buy one of those whips and have it wrapped up in a bunch of flower’s for Mistress Katja when I see her.

Pink Toes, New Panties

2005-01-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

During my busy day, I managed to complete my assignments for mistress Katja. I went to get a pedicure, same shop as last week, I still got the incredulous stare from one of the Vietamese women ( the hot one), but the other one remembered me from last week and it was cool. An advantage of Monday morning is that I was the only customer in the shop. It also went faster as its only been a week since the last pedicure. This weeks color, a bright pink.

Then it was on to Victoria’s Secret for my weekly pair of panties. I had noticed they had a sale going so I hit the sale bins with some obnoxious women. I found a pair of printed mesh nylon bikinis for five bucks. When I got to the counter, she asked me if I’d like a Victoria’s Secret credit card and I decided why not. I’ll probably be buying other stuff from them if I can see my future at all.

I’m wearing the Chanel Number five today, just a little bit in my crotch. I like the effect, most of the time I don’t smell it, but when I sit down to pee I get a nice girly odor.

I’m just finishing day seven without cumming, I’m still horny, and my obsessive side is fully out. I decided I was going to ask Mistress Katja for a session this coming weekend, as it will work better around some family obligations and my forthcoming move. I really don’t care if I cum or not, but I do want some feedback from her on how I’m doing.

More perfume

2005-01-09T15:41:00.000-08:00

Downtown Bon-Macey’s today:

"Can I help you"

"I’m really at sea trying to buy perfume."

"I can help. Who’s it for"

"Well, its for me. My girlfriend wants me to wear perfume every day. It doesn’t have to be too ‘girly’ but it must be a woman’s perfume."

"OK, why does she want you to do that?"

"It’s a sex game."

"OK, not too girly, let me see."

That is the actual conversation as best as I can remember. The saleswoman was young, and obviously liked the idea of the sex game. I had decided I hadn’t gotten the most out of the perfume assignment by Mistress Katja, by not being honest about what I was doing when I bought perfume on Thursday. I also suspected that the reason I dislike this assignment so much is that I don’t like the Dolci and Gabanna perfume I had bought very much. So I went and bought some more. And that was the conversation. One reason I think the salesgirl was into it was that she suggested that I put some on from the sampler before I left.

And what did I end up with? – Chanel #5.

I just got out of my bubble bath, shaved my legs, remembered the body lotion. The bath was nice, I had a cup of tea, read a little, listened to music.

I like what I’m doing, and I never had the balls (or the lack of them) to act out this fantasy for so long, or so completely, and its only been four or five days.

I had written before I was locked up about the emotional imbalance between the top and the bottom. I am feeling that imbalance now. Large portions of my day are spent thinking about Mistress Katja. Yet, I have had no contact from her since Wednesday, and really can’t expect any. My next session will be scheduled because I want her attention and approval, not necessarily because I need to cum. We had talked about this emotional imbalance a little bit during our last session, and it’s a common theme in S&M fantasy. The submissive being gratified by just the merest attention. I crave it now.

Day 5, just like a woman.

2005-01-08T09:37:00.000-08:00

Two entries today, First my journal entry from yesterday, when I was sick and not writingmuch:

I really don’t like Mistress Katja’s assignment to wear perfume. Last night it was just too strong. I may have put on too much but it still smells. I feel like I’m wearing a sign that says "sissy". This morning I just put on a tiny bit, in my crotch, and every time I open my fly I can smell the perfume. But, being a slave is being a slave, and I will comply. I’ll probably be used to it by the time I go to work next week.

For the first time since the session I spent some time not in the absolute throes of frustration. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a few nice minutes, quietly thinking. I’m feeling very sexually charged up, however.

Second, today's thoughts:

Today is day five, a new record for being locked up. I don’t count being let out by Mistress Katya Wednesday night, because I didn’t come and because that long tease and denial session was worse than being locked up. I’m mildly surprised at the extent of the forced feminization piece of this process. I guess Mistress likes it; I know I’m sure into it. Most of my fem clothes are packed away in anticipation of an upcoming move, what I have available is my panties, which I wear every day, my bras, and some tights and stockings. I’ve spent the past few days wearing each of my bra’s in turn, trying to decide if they fit and which I like better. The best ones are two European ones I got from a catalog, they fit great and look good. (In European I’m size 85 A). I’m uncomfortable wearing bra’s to work, I’m sure my clients would notice, so its been fun to experiment while I’ve been off work this week. I have a lot of what they call trouser socks in the women’s wear department, and I’ll wear them to work if I’m wearing ankle high shoes. I also have a pair of thigh high tights that I like to wear, although they do fall down.

The very high level of horniness and excitement I had following my session with Mistress Katja has decreased substantially. I’ve been sick with a cold and illness has decreased my libido. At any event, I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with a hard-on that can bend steel.
I’m looking forward to getting into the rhythm that Mistress seems to have in mind. I believe that I’ll try to make a habit of bubble baths on Sundays and Thursdays, which would also be a good time to shave my legs. Mondays I’ll get a pedicure and go buy that weeks panties.
Yesterday I wrote about how much I hated the perfume assignment. Today it doesn’t seem so bad, I may have used too much of it. If I feel better today, I think I may go and shop for another perfume, so I have a choice. I’ve also been thinking about buying my own makeup so that Mistress Katja doesn’t have to use hers.

I'm a lucky ducky

2005-01-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

It felt strange to come back from a session, and not have the ability to jerk off. The session was incredibly sexy and emotionally intense, and my normal reaction would be to masturbate. Masturbation would give me a little guilt, some emotional release and a lot of distance. Instead, here I am feeling like the session is still going on. The fact is that I am now a sexual slave, and my major charecteristic is desire.

I started following Mistress Katja’s instructions this morning. I went to the mall and bought the things she requested. My first stop was at Nordstroms, where the lingerie is nice and close to the Men’s room. After using the men’s room (I always have to sit down now), I picked out a nice pair of thong panties. They are cotton with a design of small flowers. I don’t have any other thongs and thought I might as well try them, especially if I’m going to be buying a new pair of panties every weekend. The saleslady asked if I wanted them gift wrapped, and I just said "no thanks"

Then, after some other errands, I looked in the Bon for perfume, and was totally overwhelmed by the choices, so I postponed that decision. I bought two different bubble bath flavors – Peony and gardenia lily at the bath shop. They were on sale, and seemed pretty girly, or at least old ladyish. Last stop was back to the fragrence counter at Nordstrom. I had a really hot saleswoman – young, oriental, dressed in black with especially hot black and yellow stiletto heels. I just asked her "how do you pick a fragrence?" and we had a discussion about floral, woody or citrus. I smelled a couple of woodies, and a couple of citrus and ended up buying Dolce and Gabbana "light blue."

Then I came home, poured the peony bubbles in, made a cup of tea, put on Norah Jones and KD Lang, and had a nice girly bubble bath. Shaved my legs, remembered to use lotion afterwards, got dressed in my new, riding up in my crotch, thong panties. The perfume is very strong and is making my whole house smell. I’m going have to get resigned to smelling like I do.

I’ve been horny all day. The experience of tease and denial was emotionally devastating. Baby chickens or ducks will imprint on the first thing they see out of the egg. The experience of simply being horny for Mistress Katja makes me feel similarly imprinted on her. But its stronger than that. I want to simply be in her presence, no matter what it takes. Whatever this feeling is, its strong. I don’t think it will change until I climax, which won’t be until she releases me from this chastity device, and that won’t happen for a while.

I want to say, here publicly, that this emotionally powerful experience is exactly what I wanted. I have been fooling around with my submissive fantasies for a long time, and this is the first time I feel that reality is approaching my fantasies. Mistress Katja said that each time I see her I will get more assignments. And that the new assignments will be added on to the one’s I have. I have to say that I can’t imagine what my life will be like, but I’m sure that Katja will be in control.

First night, Tease and Denial Special

2005-01-05T22:24:00.000-08:00

I blogged earlier, but I just got back from the beginning of slavery and I thought I’d write it all down.

So when I got to Mistress Katja’s, we sat down for a few minutes and she explained some things to me. She had read my blog and realized I was concerned about not having a key, so I get to keep a key, which is in a specially marked envelope. I thus have a key for emergency use. The rules about the key were I the first got and I’ll make a note of them. I must call Mistress Katja first, before using the key, and emotional crisis are not an emergency.

She then listed my other rules. First, I must get a professional pedicure every week. Color choices are up to me. Second, I must wear panties all the time, and buy at least one new pair every week. Third, I am to keep my legs shaved. Fourth, I am to get some girly bubblebath and take at least two bubblebaths a week. Fifth, I must buy some woman’s perfume and wear it every day. I can buy something that’s not too girly, but I must wear it every day. I must report all my activities on this blog.

The session continued with a whipping. I was not bound, but had to hold my position. This freedom made my servitude all the more evident, as I was willingly being hurt. It was a pretty good whipping. I just looked at my butt in the mirror and I’ve got some good welts.

The most interesting part of the evening came next. After dressing me in some lingerie and making me up, Mistress had me take off my chastity device. She then had me lie down and masturbate. She simply stood there and looked. I was told I couldn’t stop masturbating but I couldn’t climax either. After a long time of this, with very little conversation, she had me stop, gave me a strap and told me to get soft. I had to hit my penis with the strap and try to get soft. When I started to get soft, she had me lie down, start to masturbate and she repeated the process several times. I feel like I mastubated for a good half-hour, but I really couldn’t say how long. I never did come, and I finally managed to get soft.

Then I put the chastity device back on, and that was the end of the night.

I’ve read about tease and denial, but I’ve never been the victim of it, and I have to say it was a total mind fuck. Mistress Katja has rented space in my brain and I don’t think she’s leaving soon.

Almost there

2005-01-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I took advantage of not wearing the chastity device and masturbated yesterday. Nothing makes my day like a new Vicki Tern story, feminization, sometimes forced, sometimes tricked, lots of good sex, and usually a twist at the end. http://www2.storysite.org/story/bigirls~01.html. Mistress Katja has been on my mind though.

So I put the spiral on again last night, and tonight I go and give Mistress Katja the keys. How do I feel? First, excited – like going on a big adventure. Second, scared – this could easily be a big mistake. Third, horny – the bottom line is that I find the thought of a beautiful woman controlling me to be sexually exciting. I also realize, I think, that it’s a lot sexier to be horny then to be satiated. So being in chastity may be more sexual than my old habit of wanking (nice English usage there) every couple of days.

I hope I’m ready. I’ll shower and shave just before I go. A funny footnote, I don’t usually wear deodorant, but I always do when going for a session.

The date is set.

2005-01-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

I haven’t worn my chastity device in two nights, letting the little bit of irritation I had at the piercing heal. Haven’t masturbated either, although I may today – more on that in a minute. I have been totally in my obsession – wearing panties, a bra when I think I’ll get away with it, my nice new nightie to bed.

I made the date to give Mistress Katja the keys. K-day (for Key-day) is tomorrow night. I’m scared. I’m also concerned about chickening out, but this rock is rolling downhill pretty fast. One of my concerns is that Mistress Katja hasn’t been very explicit about how this is going to work. I guess slavery is giving up control, and all my chances of "topping from below" will be gone tommorrow.

I’ve been thinking about the imbalance in emtional involvement that this experience will involve. I am totally wired and focused, yet its not fair to burden Mistress Katja with my emotional stuff, except in so far as it gives her pleasure. I’m going to have to learn to be grateful for the attention I get. Mistress Matisse talked around this point in her blog today. http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/

So, should I masturbate today, knowing that I may not get to masturbate for a while. Or should I resist, so I can tell Mistress K, that my sexuality belongs to her already. You’ll get the answer next time.

Four days, a new record!

2005-01-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I spent four nights with the spiral on. It works fine. I took it off this afternoon because I was experiencing some irritation at the piercing site, and I thought, as long as I still have the keys I should give myself a break. I think the irritation comes from two things – first, the ring around my testicles is a little too big, and slides around, bringing my penis in contact with my undies. Second, I’ve been wearing panties and I think they’re too tight. I’ll give it 24 hours to recuperate and then try again.

I have to say that having to sit down to pee is a big pain in the ass. At work, I’m worried that my co-workers will notice that I never use the urinals. But worse is the world out there. I had to pee at a tavern, dirty toilet, no lock on the door. And then after the movies yesterday, a long line, and I had to wait for the cubicle. I have more sympathy with women and their long lines at sporting events.

Being locked up changes what for lack of a better word is my horniness dynamic. Ordinarily, I would get horny, then jerk off, and that would be that. Now, not jerking off, its not that I’m always horny, its that I keep doing more and more things which feed my obsessions. With Mistress Katja out of town, those obsessions are mostly cross-dressing ones. So I’m wearing bra’s around under sweaters, have my legs shaved and wear night gowns to bed.

I’m anxiously awaiting an opportunity to see Mistress Katja. Hopefully this week. I bought a nice little gift box for the keys to the chastity device.

Puppy love

2004-12-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

I got the device back on the night before last, and now I am over the 36 hour mark again. I have some small irritation and discomfort with it, but nothing major. I woke up in the middle of the night but didn’t have all the pain I had the first night. I believe this thing will be managable.
I thought that I’d be able to stand up to urinate, but that’s not the case. I tried it and then spent a few minutes cleaning up the bathroom floor. It’s a real pain in the ass to have to sit to pee at work. But there’s a frisson about it. I’ve been thinking thoughts like "real submissive’s sit to pee" and "real sissys wear panties" and those thoughts reinforce my desire to continue this path.

Mistress Katja is out of town, she’ll be back today and I hope to see her soon. I’m going to shop today for a gift box for the keys. I should get my toes painted again before I see her, but I’m feeling shy, and I know the salons will be busy over the holiday weekend.

One thought I had in the middle of the night last night was about training. When you train a puppy, you abuse it a little bit and end up with a quaking heap of co-dependent magma, who totally adores you. If Mistress abuses me as much as I fear she will, will the result be the same?

2004-12-29T20:02:00.000-08:00

I haven’t written in this journal in a week or so, since I’ve been on vacation. I flew and stayed with family so I didn’t wear the spiral for the last week or so. I thought I’d be excited when I got home to get it back on but have found excuses for not doing so. I thought I’d put it on this evening but I’ve discovered that it is impossible to get on with even the hint of an erection. I’ll have to read some really boring stuff or watch TV and then try to surprise myself.

Mistress Katja was nice enough to talk about me in her blog entry. http://www.amazondotdomme.blogspot.com/ It makes me feel rather proud.

She also talked about her prefering written porn to photographic. I also prefer written porn and only look at pictures if they look real. My favorite site just for pictures is the Other World Kingdom.. http://www.owk.cz/start.htm Terrific BDSM, and the flavor of the site is so real. I also look at thumbnails of transexuals. I find Richards Realm easy to access. http://www.richards-realm.com/links

When I read porn on the internet I love forced fem stories, general BDSM (Female superior, men inferior), chastity stories, and transvestite and transgender stuff. I really like Fictionmania, and even have one story posted there.(My nom de plume is Rose). http://www.fictionmania.com I also check the stories on Altairboy’s chastity site. http://www.tpe.com/~altarboy/newstuff.php I’ve recently taken to downloading ebooks from Pink Flamingo https://www.pinkflamingo.com/.

I should meet with Mistress this weekend or early next week and give her the keys. Then it really begins. This long build up has been exciting..

2004-12-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

Its funny how stress feeds into obsessive behavior. I’ve been stressed and angry about some personal stuff, and the net result was I went right to JC Penny yesterday and bought a pair of satin pajamas and a nice peignoir set. If Mistress Katja was still in town, I would have been groveling at her feet this weekend.

So I wore the device until last night. A total of 72 hours. I find it mostly comfortable, and certainly wearable. At which point I decided that three days continuously was pretty good and I deserved to jerk off. So I did. I had some problems after I jerked off with my piercing so I didn’t put the device back on. I have to say it works well. I think a solid tube design might be a little more comfortable, especially when hard, and I’m going to look at Mistress Lori’s web site and see what my options are. I’m planning to take today off from the chastity device, but then I’ll have the opportunity to wear it a few more days before I get together with Mistress Katja and give her the keys

Give her the keys. That phrase should be accompanied by drumrolls. It makes my heart rate increase, the palms of my hands sweat and my face flush.

Mistress Katja referred to me as her "slave" in one of her emails. I’m very proud of that. Here are 10 short slave fantasies:
1."That pubic hair has got to go."
2. "Only sluts don’t wear bras. You’re not a slut, are you?"
3. "This collar is steel and fits on with this little allen wrench. I know it’s a little Gor-ish, but I like it."
3(A). "The gold chain and the initial ‘K’ stay on 24/7."
4. "Should the tattoo say ‘property of’ or ‘owned by’?"
5. "Hi, my name is Rick and Mistress Katja gave me your keys. You need to get over here and
clean my apartment."
6. "These hormones will make your nipples so much more sensitive."
7. "Stop blubbering, this whipping has a long way to go."
8. "You’ve never heard of bastinado? That’s when I whip the soles of your feet."
9. "How long since you’ve climaxed? Only a month?"
10. "Perhaps I’ll let you clean the dungeon when I’m finished with my other slave."

Day Two

2004-12-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

Well, its now about 48 hours locked up. It really wasn’t much of a thing today, as I was so distracted with some personal stuff. I meant for the blog to be mostly about my chastity adventure, but I’m sure that personal stuff is going to leak in from time to time, so I might as well get out with it. I’ve been trying to buy a house, it was supposed to close today, and the banker fucked up by not verifying one source of funds. At the end of today, it looks like the place will cost me $100 bucks a month more or I’ll have to give it up. The worse part is that when I loose my temper I get exhausted later.

At any event, its now two days. I may have be overly complacent about pissing while standing up. It’s certainly safer to sit down, just in case I hit the bars etc. I also noticed how the air seems to hit my cock and balls, because the device makes them stand proud. Sleeping is OK, but its still hard to get back to sleep after a midnight woody wakes me up.

I just read some porn to see how it feels when I’m hard, and I’m sure I’m going to hate it. What I’m really anxious to find out is how I feel when I don’t know in the back of my mind that I can take it off. I’d really like to see Mistress soon, but I think she’s traveling. Nothing would get me more centered than a good whipping.

First 24 hours

2004-12-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s just twenty-four hours since I put this puppy on and I’m pretty proud of myself. I fussed with the size of it last night, made it shorter and a little fatter and it fits pretty good. I woke up with a midnight woody, but it didn’t hurt like the night before. I guess this is a good time to confess that I like to go to sleep by fantasizing about sexy scenarios. I’m going to have to start counting sheep. I’m pretty tired tonight, after two not so good nights. I’m having high drama in my daily life too, and getting angry always exhausts me.

Some thoughts about chastity. First, for a small dicked guy, this ironmongery gives me a bigger package and I have to say I like it. I’m able to pee standing up, but I need to be more careful about where I aim. I also need to be alone, because its certainly visible. I’m constantly aware that its there. It was fun, talking to a woman friend at the office Christmas party today and thinking – "if only she knew".

Its fairly comfortable. Its not fun to get hard, but livable. I also have some slight irritation at my piercing and from the ring around my balls. I’m sure both will get better as we go along.

I also got two emails from Mistress Katja. She’ll be out of town, I think from this weekend until New Years, and I’ll be out of town too. Just thinking about her, and what will happen after New Years when she has the keys is thrilling and scarey.

Nighttime, the first night.

2004-12-15T19:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I got the spiral on last night, went to bed and work up at four in the morning in a tremendous amount of pain from a nocturnal erection. My poor penis was swollen thru the wire wrap of the device and it hurt like hell. I managed to read a boring book and get it back down and got some more sleep. But by morning it was really sore.

When I looked at it in the morning it was swollen and sore. I also couldn’t get down. So I took the thing off and spent the day without it. I put it back on tonight. I made it a little shorter and a little wider and I think that will help. The wires make the nocturnal erection problem harder I think than the other designs, because of the way the flesh gets pinched. I got an email from Mistress Lori today and she says that I’ll adapt to the pain. I’m going to try it again tonight. I leave for the East next week, and I can’t wear it on the plane and I’m not even sure I’ll be able to wear it where I’m visiting. So I want to get some time in if at all possible.

I also got an email from Mistress Katja. Reading between the lines a little bit, I think she’s excited about this as well. Just thinking about her gets me hard, and I don’t want to be hard with this damn thing on.

It arrives

2004-12-14T20:28:00.000-08:00

My chastity device, Mistress Lori’s spiral, arrived yesterday. I had it mailed to my work, and wasn’t there yesterday, so I didn’t pick it up until today. I had unreasonable fears yesterday that the idiot IT guy at work would think it was one of his toys and open it up. But then today I had the nice feeling when talking to my boss in my office –"if you only knew what was in that innocent looking box."

So of course I rushed home and put it on. Being mechanically challenged, it took me a few minutes to figure it out. And then of course I had an partial erection and couldn’t get it on. I used a bag of frozen corn to get that woody down, and now its there.

I’ll write tommorrow about how the night goes – sleep, peeing etc.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to get it together to give the keys to Mistress Katja until after Christmas. She travels, I travel, I have to move etc etc. Right now its just a nice tight feeling

Not much to report

2004-12-06T10:32:00.000-08:00

I’m sorry I haven’t written in this blog for so long. I was visiting family and then I was sick – creeping crud or suchlike – and simply haven’t been interested. It interests me that being busy distracts from my sexual obsessions but it does, although I still think about this chasity journey often.

My piercing is healed pretty well, I think. The chastity device hasn’t arrived. It was promised for one month and its now been six weeks or so. I emailed the manufacturer yesterday and she wrote back that they’re backlogged, but didn’t give a delivery date. . It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to start this stuff until the First of the Year, since Mistress Katja will be out of town and I travel as well over Christmas.

I got a card in the mail for a free pair of panties at Victoria’s Secret, but you have to go in person to pick them up. That’s my challenge for today, should be nice and humiliating.

Obsession

2004-11-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

Mistress Katja has been renting space in my head all week. I know that a day hasn’t gone by when I haven’t thought about her, but most hours contain at least a fleeting thought. What exactly is it, I don’t know, but I do know that last Sunday had a big impact. I see her, beautiful, tall, powerful. I see her face – giving me a sip of water, firm and powerful as she slaps me. I see her long, beautiful legs, and long for the ability to ask for permission to kiss her feet. I keep changing the picture of her I have as my wallpaper on my computer.

If this is what happens so soon, what will the inside of my brain be like after she has me locked up?

The chastity device should be here soon, but I don’ think my piercing is ready for it yet.

An Evening with Mistress Katja

2004-11-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

I saw Mistress Katja last night for a session. I had asked for a longer, two hour session, and as I mentioned here before I was excited as a schoolboy about seeing her. We met again in the same S&M studio as last time. I won’t be able to go into the chastity device for at least another month so I'd wanted to establish my submission to her before then.

When I arrived, she was dressed in a long black dress and heels. This outfit wasn’t particularly dominant, but she looked beautiful and somewhat scarey. We chatted for a few minutes before starting the session. One of the things I mentioned was that the Abu Ghrav pictures turned me on. When I saw the soldier holding the poor Iraqi on a leash my thought wasn’t "how awful" but rather "I want to be him." Mistress reassured me that she didn’t think I was the only person who thought that way.

Two different themes encompass the session – pain and humiliation – and both were intense. The humiliation somehow starts when Mistress says, all matter-of-fact, "take your clothes off." It’s exquisitely humiliating to be naked (a la Abu Ghrav) in the presence of a clothed, dominant Mistress. The humiliation continues as I quietly held out my arms and legs for the heavy leather cuffs and am chained to the rack. Mistress comments on my erection, and the fact that I’m dripping from the end of it, even while chained up. My time on the rack was the time of pain, a progression of whips and floggers on my back and ass. She has added having me beg for more strokes, which is always difficult. Even worse are the words I must use – "Mistress, may I have another harder than the last." I said those words, even though I knew what would happen. She stopped only after I was in tears.. After we were done she showed me the whips, and the ones that did the damage were a heavy rubber flogger and a riding crop.

I’m particularly fond of a series of novels by Paul Scott called the Raj Quartet. The topic is the dissolution of India in 1947, told through a series of characters. The villain, if you can call it that, is a policeman and the tragic hero is an Anglicized Indian young man. At one point the policeman canes the Indian in a police station. The Indian man never complains of his treatment, but later in the novel the facts of the whipping are discovered. What I am trying to get to is that after he beats the Indian, the policeman holds his head and gives him a drink of water. The policeman tells him the beating and the water establish their "relationship." The reason I’m into this long diversion is that last night Mistress Katya gave me sips of water whileI was chained up. Thinking about it this morning I am both moved and sexually excited. (I’m sexually excited whenever I think about Mistress, so that’s not unusual. ) But I’m moved, because, I believe our relationship, her dominant, me submissive, was sealed by that small act. It was an act of ownership.

After Mistress Katya finished beating me, she dressed me up in stockings, a bra, and a kind of teddy-like affair with garters. I had mentioned to her some of my cross-dressing desires, but I didn’t expect her to know so exactly what my fantasies were. I want to mention that she changed her clothes after finishing with my makeup, and appeared before me in her heels, and wearing a black, lifelike, strap-on dildo.

Pain and humiliation. Putting clothes pins on my balls at her direction. On my knees, with clothes pins on my nipples.

During this time,while I was on my knees, Mistress explored my fantasies about cocks. She somehow knew that I sometimes masturbate thinking about sucking cocks. I’m still blown away by how accurate she was about my fantasies.

Pain and humiliation. Holding my cock from below, out in front of me, and asking "may I have another, harder than the last?" when she uses her strap on the head of my cock.

When I got home I fell asleep almost immediately. I woke up with a raging hard on at two in the morning and jerked off then.

I’m also frightened to some extent about the future. She has said that once she has my cock locked up and she has the key she’s going to rock my world. She encouraged me to sign up for a strap-on web site, and to masturbate to gay porn. Who knows what’s going to happen. I know I’m committed to this journey. Now that I know she likes to dress me up, I’ll dig out my c/d stuff. I’m pretty sure I have a corset and some other items she’ll like.

I’ll report again to this blog later in the week. The device is due any day.

pretty toes

2004-11-04T11:58:00.000-08:00

Well, what Mistress Katja wants, Mistress Katja gets. I had the morning off from work and decided that this was as good a day as any to get my nails painted. I see her on Sunday and my other options would likely involve many other people in the nail salon and even more humiliation. The city I live in has many nail salons, mostly run by Vietnamese immigrants with limited English. (They all have great names too – Happy Nails, Perfect Nails, Lucky Nails, Wonderful Nails etc.) So I went to the bank, and there was a salon right across the street. My heart was beating, I was sweating, and I sat in the car across the street staring at it and feeling like a stalker. I didn’t go in, but instead drove to one I knew was on the second floor, so people would be less likely to pass by and see me with my pants rolled up.

Luckily, noone was there except two nice Vietnamese women, who didn’t ask any questions. Just take off your shoes and sit down. I sat in this large electric chair which massaged my back while my feet soaked in hot water. I asked for a manicure as well – figuring I might as well, since I was there. While I still was feeling a little nervous, I relaxed a great deal after actually getting started. Then, of course, the inevitable question. "Why you doing this?" What could I say? I just said I had a date and that my date wanted me to paint my toenails. They didn’t laugh at all, but who knows what the two women said to each other in Vietnamese.

The actual manicure and pedicure are really nice – cuticles clipped, legs and hands massaged with lotion. I had my fingernails covered with clear polish, and I swear I can feel it on my nails. My toenails are dark red – Chinese Red it said on the bottle.

At the end, my nails are done and I’m just sitting there waiting for them to dry, two other women customers come in. They can see me sitting up on this big chair, my bright red toes hanging out for all to see. They’re friendly with the Vietnamese ladies and there’s a lot of chat. As the Vietnamese ladies start to work on them, I’m still sitting there. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there, but every few minutes they would come back, look at my toes and say "a few minutes."

So now I’m back home, having had my daily dose of humiliation, and wearing my proud reminder of it. I’m looking forward to Sunday. I have to admit that I also feel really charged up and alive, as well as sexy. If I had permission to masturbate, I’d be pulling hard right now.

Looking forward to my date

2004-11-03T21:18:00.000-08:00

I’m going to have a "session" with Mistress Katja on Sunday. I asked for it, even thought it will be some time before my chastity device arrives, because I would like to further establish my submissive relationship with her and get to know her better, and let her get to know me better before she has this big power over me.

She has insisted that I not masturbate for at least five days before the session. I think I masturbated last on Saturday, so I’ll be horny by Sunday night. I wrote and asked her if I should do anything else before we meet, and she wrote back that I should wear panties all the time, and that I should go to a nail parlor and get a pedicure. When I got the email my heart started racing and I had a hard time concentrating on work for the rest of the day. I am excited by the feeling that I’m obedient to my Mistress, even if she’s not in my presence.

Wearing the panties won’t be too hard. I wear panties almost all the time, except when I go to the gym and need to change with other guys around, and even then I sometimes where plain cotton Victoria’s Secret bikinis, just not flowered or satin panties. Getting my toes painted is another thing altogether. I did this a few times a year or so ago, and I found it humiliating to ask. In my town there are lots of nail shops run by Vietnamese women, and walking in, explaining what you want, picking out the color, is really hard. Actually getting the pedicure is really nice, my feet feel great, massaged, no calluses etc.

I was so excited by all this that I came home and took all the hair off my legs with some Nair I had under the sink. So I hope I’ll be ready for my big date Sunday. I’m sure we’ll talk about the chastity experiment, and If the last time is anything to go by, I’ll leave with some welts or bruises.

Second thoughts and Future tripping

2004-10-31T11:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven’t written in this entry this week. No big issues to report, my piercing is healing well, seems to work OK. I remained chaste all week until yesterday, when I masturbated. I’ve finally figured out how to masturbate with the piercing.

So its been about three weeks since I decided to go on this course of chastity. The Spiral should arrive this week or next, and my piercing will be healed enough to try it on by Thanksgiving. I think its time for me to discuss some of the harder issues. I think I may have been in denial about some of these items, so maybe writing about them will bring some clarity.

First, when I’m locked up, should I keep a key for myself?. One issue is of course, I may have an "emergency" and need to get unlocked. Its hard to imagine what kind of emergency I could have. If I got in an accident, I’d be in the hospital with the device on and I probably wouldn’t care about cutting it off. If I had a MD appointment, I could probably ask my keyholder for release. Another issue is how much do I trust my keyholder? What if I need a release - - say for the Doctor – an she’s in Aruba. What if she just flakes out. In this case I made a bad choice. The real issue is of course "topping from below." If I had a key I would retain some of my power and the point of this exercise is that I am turned on by not having power. I just saw an ad for a key box which you have to destroy to open. I’ll order it and it may solve this issue.

The keyholder presents yet another problem. Being a single guy, I’m going to need a real keyholder. Mistress Katja is interested, beautiful, dominant, and in all ways will make an excellent choice. I’m looking forward to having her in charge of my life. The problem is whether I can afford it. I have a couple of dollars now, but over a long course I may not be able to see her as often as I would like. I’ve had this desire for a long time, so perhaps I’ll just have to give up something else. Another issue around the keyholder is how much contact do I want? I obviously won’t see her everyday, but once a week, twice a month, irregularly, at her whim? Luckily, I need not make this decision now. I’m sure that Mistress Katja will have some input as well.

Moreover, do we need a written contract? Would I feel safer? I don’t have strong feelings about this issue either. A subsidary issue is that the good part for Katja is knowing about her power over me. How does she want reports – email, calls? Will this blog be enough?

I’d love it if I had assignments or behavioral rules that I had to follow 24/7, in session or not. Writing in the journal, shaving, things of that sort. I was looking at some of the web sites that do "distance training" and some of them have good ideas.

I often ride my bike to work, and shower before work at the university gym near my office. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that while wearing a chastity device. My bicycling is important to me. But I think I’ll have to give up biking to work while locked up.

I’ll check in again on this blog when the spiral arrives. I hope to see Mistress Katja in the next week or so, just to practice being submissive.

Masturbation at Last

2004-10-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday I figured out how to masturbate with a new piercing – it sounds like an old joke but the answer is very carefully. More interesting to me than masturbating is the mental changes that follow. Immediately after, I have guilt, and think, well that’s enough of this stuff and want to go back to my old ways. Throw away the piercing, call it all off. That feeling eased up after a couple of hours, but since I masturbated I haven’t had the intense sexual obsession I"ve had all the previous week.

This experience leads me to a couple of thoughts. In all the fiction about chastity the submissive is often tied up when he comes and the chastity belt is put on before he is untied. I’m not sure that I’d have to be tied up but I sure understand why this is a difficult time. On the other hand, putting on the chastity device when in that "I don’t want to" frame of mind would be exquisite torture, especialy if I was being supervised by my Mistress at the time.

The other thought is that I now have a better feel as to why I want this period of deprivation. I feel really alive and sexual when I have these obsessions. Having that sexual feeling for a long period of time sounds thrilling.

cross-dressing makes an appearance

2004-10-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

For those of you new to this blog, and I assume some people are actually reading this blog, here’s the story. I intend to be locked in a chastity device, called the spiral, and have the key’s held by a professional dominatrix, Mistress Katja. I made this decision about ten days ago. I have ordered the device and it will get here in another three weeks or so. I have also had my penis pierced in order hold the device on. I won’t be able to actually put on the device probably until December, so I have a long time to ponder my upcoming fate.

What’s going on for me now is that I can’t masturbate because of the newness of this piercing. I’m afraid that if I masturbate I’ll harm the piercing in some way, or leave it open to infection. So the combination of my excitement over my upcoming adventure, my lack of masturbation, (I usually masturbate every day or so) has made me incredible horny. I assume that this is what chastity will be like to some degree. One think that may be different about chastity is that I may be more focused on my Mistress, then this general defuse hornyness I’m feeling now.

I do need to report that I believe that my hornyness accentuates my other compulsive sexual activities. I’ve been turned on by women’s clothes for all of my adult life and yesterday I was in the closet digging out bras and stockings I hadn’t worn in a long time. There’s an irony there, I’m so horny I can barely stand it, and my response is to wear some clothes that only increase my level of desire. Somewhere I hear a masochist begging to get out.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a hard-on that you could pole vault with, and had difficulty getting back to sleep. I’m going to have to keep a really boring book by my bedside or an ice bucket.

My goal today is to see if I can get through the day without any other old obsessions popping up.

The dreaded second thoughts

2004-10-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

My piercing seems to be giving me no problems at all. It looks pretty good, not any discharge, and is loose in its little hole. I exchanged messages with a guy in Australia who is already locked into his Spiral. He is complaining about irritation of the piercing but it seems to be minor. He put the device on about month after the piercing.

I slept much better last night, but I’m still horny as can be. I really can’t figure out how to jerk off without putting the piercing at risk. Perhaps I’ll spend some time tomorrow figuring it out.

I had one of those thoughts today – "Am I nuts to be doing this?". At my age, and after all these years of cross-dressing, submissive role stuff, I should be familiar with this mind game. When I first started I would throw out all my stuff periodically when I was feeling guilty or ashamed about it. But the fact is that my sexuality is inextricably submissive, and not following through on this course would again be cowardly. I believe this mind game is why I want to be locked up, so that my mind games don’t matter. I’ll be submissive regardless of my mental state.

A restless night

2004-10-20T19:11:00.000-07:00

My piercing didn’t bother me at work, in fact it was unnoticeable. I did think about it from time to time, but I was busy and didn’t feel very well. Last night was another matter however. I was horny as hell. I didn’t want to jerk off because of the issues around my new piercing, I didn’t even want to touch my penis, but I was awake and horny for what seemed like hours. Even when I fell asleep I had a hot dream about my first wife. I hope nights like this are not a vision for the future when I am locked up. The other guy whose journal I read complained a lot about no sleep, but I thought that was because he was using a CB3000 which is uncomfortable. Perhaps sleep and denial are inversely related, a bad thought. Nothing more to report today.

Already locked up?

2004-10-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve had a cold and haven’t really been thinking about chastity, but I have realized one thing for sure. Because of the piercing, I am unable to masturbate, so I may as well already been in the device. I need to keep my hands, miscellaneous fluids etc away from the wound etc. I would also be worried about tearing the wound so – here I am, locked up already.

I’ve been thinking about what my relationship will with my keyholder, Lady Katya. She says she follows her intuition, which in some ways is a really scarey concept. I told her on Saturday about the web log I read with a man who was locked up for 67 days and she got a dangerous gleam in her eye.

Most of the fantasy literature is with couples and talks a lot about personality change in the submissive. I’m not sure how to get that 24-7 flavor when I don’t see my mistress that frequently. I suspect that I may be assigned tasks, tasks which either emphasize the tease and denial aspects or tasks which emphasize my submission through humiliation. For example, watch porn and report on it, or go buy panties in person and make sure the salesgirl knows who their for. I certainly don’t want to give up regular sessions with Mistress, I’m proud of my bruises.

First post.

2004-10-17T09:39:00.000-07:00

This will be my first entry into the chastity blog. Last night I met with my Mistress at the "Lucky Devil" piercing parlor and got a frenum piercing. The pain of the piercing ws a little more than I expected but there has been no significant bleeding or discomfort. The purpose of this piercing was to accommodate a spiral chastity device that I ordered last week from Mistress Lori.
I bought a CB 2000 when they first came out several years ago, but it was always too uncomfortable to wear, and, as a bachelor, chastity play seemed a little tame. I never could play games like mailing the keys to myself etc. I have been a submissive for most of my adult life, and like many others I suspect, drift in and out of active participation. I hadn’t visited a professional mistress in several years and this fall my thoughts turned in that direction. While shopping on the internet I came across Mistress Katya, and she had chastity play on her list of activities. We had a wonderful, intense session, and talked a little bit about chastity. The thought started to rent space in my head and I decided to go for it. I also noticed the spiral device on Mistress Lori’s web page and liked the looks of it.
The device requires a piercing to make it secure. So after I ordered device I started looking at piercings. There were a couple of shops here in Seattle and I picked one. To my surprise, Mistress Katya came with me and held my hand while I was pierced. I felt very secure with her there. The piercer, "Rick", was very professional. I had an internal chuckle as he described how I should limit my sex life while the piercing healed – the whole point is that soon my my sex life will be very limited. Also, I don’t see how I can masturbate until this heals, so perhaps I’m already in chastity of a sort.
It’s now the next morning. I don’t have hardly any pain, and just couple of drops of blood on my panties. I’m thinking of getting pantie liners to protect the undies.
I won’t be able to put the chastity on until the piercing is almost healed, probably in about two months. I’ll spend the time before then contemplating my fate.
I also need to work out exactly what’s going to happen with the chastity. Most of the descriptions I read are from people in steady relationships. How can the power given by a set of chastity belt keys be exercised on me by a dominatrix whom I don’t see every day? I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll have tasks or exercises to perform, changes to make.
I hope to update this blog regularly, but there will be no active chastity for a couple of months.