Branded

I almost always wake up in the middle of the night with an erection. The last couple of nights I’ve been so hard it actually is painful. My darkest thoughts about my predicament also occur at that time. I was thinking last night about Mistress Katja’s concentrated face as she said "look at Me" and proceeded to burn my nipple. The burning of the letter K on my breast is healing and obviously going to scar. I’ve been BRANDED

I’ve come a long way from the callow dude who hid women’s panties and jerked off with them years ago. Now I wear panties every day, I open my panty drawer and make a selection. Cotton today, or satin? How much lace.? But even the panties could go away, but not Mistess Katja’s BRAND.

I’ve come a long way from last fall when I met Mistress Katja, and could negotiate my limits. I could say ‘I’d like to try some chastity play.’ It’s not play any more, its real, its slavery and I"ve been BRANDED.

Just last fall I would read transvestite stories on Fictionmania, and jerk off. Now I can’t jerk off due to my chastity device. And transvestite stories have been replaced by gay porn. Soon I believe that Mistress Katja will complete my transformation into a completely bisexual person. And of course I’ll agree, after all I’ve been BRANDED.

I was thinking, what if I went out on a date, or was at the beach, and someone asked me about the mark on my chest. I’d have no option but to admit, I was BRANDED.

In the immortal words of the Talking Heads, 'This ain't no party, this ain't no disco, this aint no fooling around."

Gay Porn and Yoko Ono

I’m always surprised by how much a session with Mistress Katja takes out of me. I was dragging around all day yesterday and slept like a baby last night. Among the places Mistress Katja burnt with that incense was my nipples. All the other places are healing pretty easily but my nipples have been pleasantly sore and erect all day.

The other place that is different is the letter ‘K’ that she burnt on my breast. Its looking pretty good. It may be permanent. I’m going to try to figure out how to put pictures up on this blog and I’ll try to get a picture of the K up this coming weekend. I’m noticing that power is more and more transferring to Mistress Katja, from just wearing panties to a permanent mark. When I left her the other night I handed her the key to my chastity device and my heart gave a funny little lurch.

One of her assignments is that I have to train my sluthole. In English, practice fucking my ass with a dildo. The new part is that I have to watch gay porn videos while doing it. I spent a pleasant hour this afternoon with things up my butt watching porn. I can easily imagine being on my knees with a nice cock in my mouth. I am also intriqued by the cum-shots, and could also imagine having cum sprayed on my face and chest. The long fucking sequences are, quite frankly, boring. Yoko Ono, in her pre-John Lennon days, made a movie which consisted of two hours of close-ups of people's naked butts, as they walked on a treadmill. The movie had a hallucinatory quality about it if you could sit through it, as the camera angle never changed, and all you saw was a big white ass on the screen. A lot of porn has that same boring quality – unless of course its your exact fantasy. I also rented a movie with transsexuals, and there were a couple of scenes with a transexual being topped by a guy, and I found those scenes very hot.

Back on Track

I first have to start this entry by abjectly apologizing to Mistress Katja for whining. I am sorry that I have complained in any way about my slave condition. I should remember that there will be times as a slave when I may not be happy, but I am not allowed to complain. In particular, I am not to complain about any aspects of Mistress Katja’s treatment of me, but instead I am grateful for the attention she spends on me.

As you may have guessed from the above, faithful reader, I saw Mistress Katja last night and she adjusted my attitude. When I went to see her I was afraid that circumstances beyond my control would limit our contact for a while but that problem was disposed of early. She approved of my make-up and commented favorably about my perfume. If any of you haven’t met her in person, she wears the most exotic perfume. I could smell it in my car early this morning and it excited me.

She then proceeded to torture me in new (at least to me) ways. First she used a couple of instruments to scratch long lines down my back and legs. She blindfolded me for this and for the next adventure – she burned me.

Mistress stated she used a substance called "branding incense". I was locked in a cage, blindfolded, and little stabs of pain would come from unknown directions. After a while of this, she burned the initial ‘K’ on my left breast. I think the small burns will heal right away, but I think the K will last for a while. I’m proud of it, and want the world to know that I’m Mistress Katja’s slave. Her abject, cross-dressing, humiliated, and grateful slave.

Her new assignments for me are to increase my slut-hole training, as she was disappointed in my progress. I also need to rent some gay videos, to watch while I train, in order to get my mind more oriented to my sexual orientation as a slut.

So, a couple of hours in Mistress Katja’s presence, and I’m more at peace with myself and my adventure.

I’ve been doing a couple of things lately that I wanted to mention. First, I found a bunch of bra’s while I was packing and have taken to wearing them. Not to work, but on the weekend. Since I can’t masturbate with the chastity device on, I often play with my nipples instead and fantasize about having real breasts. So being a smart guy, I did some research on my fantasies. It turns out that not all transsexuals "have a woman locked within" . A number of people are described by a somewhat controversial theory called "autogynephilia’ in which a person is sexually excited by the thought of himself as a female or with female body parts. For some reading try http://www.annelawrence.com/. So maybe I’m not all that weird, but I certainly fit into Dr. Lawrence’s theory – older guy, progress from cross-dressing, other parahelias. (A parahelia is a sexual conduct – like a fetish).

Another day

No report this week, and I have to admit my chastized condition hasn’t been my dominant idea. I’m moving into my new flat, and having a great time unpacking and putting the place together. I found a bunch of make-up from one of my cross-dressing periods so I’m wearing it now. I’m sitting here killing some time waiting to go see Mistress Katja. I’m sure I’m in for a severe session, because I didn’t go get my nails done this week and I didn’t tell her about it.

I’ve kept up with my other requirements, including training my "sluthole" but now I’m worried that I didn’t train hard enough. I’ve also hadn’t had a very good time in the chat rooms. I keep getting hooked up with weird dudes who don’t just want to do cybersex. I went on yesterday as a guy in a gay chat room and that was interesting.

The bottom line is that my sexuality has to do with power, and me submitting to it. It doesn’ much matter what the sex object is – man, woman, whatever, as long as I’m submitting to power. I’m reading another book by Laurel K. Hamilton, and she deals with these issues obliquely, with vampires, werewolves and such.

Katja said that others of her slaves read and like this blog. I suggest if you like it, please leave me a comment.

Loss of libido

I’ve been very busy this week, trying to finalize my move and get settled into my new place, so I haven’t thought very much about my condition of slavery.

A confession, this past Monday was the first time I skipped an assignment from Mistress Katja. I didn’t get a pedicure. I was waiting for a delivery and simply didn’t get it done. It didn’t help that I need to find a new place, but at any event I didn’t do it. She did give me permission to not buy panties if I bought something else, so I bought some facial moisturizer, which is nice. I think I’ll start to accumulate some make-up with the panty money.

All of my other chores are going along – slut-hole training, chat rooms. The chat room thing hasn’t been as much fun, somehow I keep getting real asshole guys to chat with.

I was extremely sexualized for the first month in chastity, and I’m starting to feel less sexy all the time. I hope its just that I’ve been so busy and not the beginning of a loss of libido. I’ll stay in touch.

Loss of libido?

I’ve been very busy this week, trying to finalize my move and get settled into my new place, so I haven’t thought very much about my condition of slavery.

A confession, this past Monday was the first time I skipped an assignment from Mistress Katja. I didn’t get a pedicure. I was waiting for a delivery and simply didn’t get it done. It didn’t help that I need to find a new place, but at any event I didn’t do it. She did give me permission to not buy panties if I bought something else, so I bought some facial moisturizer, which is nice. I think I’ll start to accumulate some make-up with the panty money.

All of my other chores are going along – slut-hole training, chat rooms. The chat room thing hasn’t been as much fun, somehow I keep getting real asshole guys to chat with.

I was extremely sexualized for the first month in chastity, and I’m starting to feel less sexy all the time. I hope its just that I’ve been so busy and not the beginning of a loss of libido. I’ll stay in touch.

reflections after a month in chastity

I didn’t record in this journal that I’ve been locked up for thirty days last Thursday, over a month. In that month:

– I’ve never stood up to pee
– I haven’t climaxed
– I’ve worn panties whenever dressed
– I’ve worn a nightgown to bed
– I’ve been beaten hard enough to leave bruises three times
– My legs have always been shaven
– My toenails have always been polished professionally
– I’ve had cybersex with four different men, pretending to be a woman
– I’ve worn perfume everyday (my scent is Chanel #5)
– I’ve practiced fucking my ‘sluthole’ with a dildo three times
– and I’ve lived my normal life, including work, moving my house, family obligations etc.

I also thought I’d describe a typical day for me. It usally starts with waking up sometime between two and four in the morning, because I have to take a leak. Sometimes I’m hard, but that’s less of a problem then it used to be. This time is the dark hour of my day, when I lay in bed fantasizing. This is the time of day when I often have second thoughts about what I’m doing, and feel overwhelmed. This time of day is also when I have my most extreme fantasy thoughts.

Upon awaking, I shower and dress. I try to always put body lotion on my legs and arms. I also spray some perfume. If it’s a work day, I spray the perfume in the general area of my groin. Then, all day, when I pull my pants down to pee, I get a blast of scent. I dress, always picking a nice pair of panties.

My work day is normal, with the exception of sitting down to pee. Nobody at work has called me on sitting down, and I’m feeling pretty cocky about it now. Other places are more problematic - the movies, taverns, coffee shops. I do think about Mistress Katja a lot during work, I’ll often check my email and my blog to see if anything’s happening.

Sunday and Thursday nights I take a bubblebath and shave my legs. I’m starting to look forward to those evenings, I usually soak for a while, read my book or listen to music. I like the freshly shaved leg feeling, smooth and nice. A couple of times a week I’ll do the chat room sex thing, although I don’t have regular days for that. The first couple of times I did it it was really sexy and I really got into it. The last two have been busts, with guys just wanting my phone number or photo. And before I go to sleep, I lube up my new dildo and fuck myself with it. I try to keep going for fifteen minutes or so. I usually sleep in a satin nightgown.

I’ve had some other thoughts lately. I realized that my emotions were on a roller coaster kind of thing and recognized them as the signs of grief – disbelief, anger, bargaining, acceptance. The question I had was what was I grieving. After some thought I realized I was grieving the manly persona I used to be. What Katja is turning me into, with my consent, is a sissy, a slut, a fag, something else. So when I look at a woman these days my panties, chastity device, shaved legs and painted toes make it impossible for me to come on all manly and seductive.

In a similar vein, I wrote in my journal sometime last month that I wasn’t really gay because I wasn’t attracted to men. I’m still not attracted to men, in the sense that a good looking man doesn’t turn my head, but I am practicing looking at them and imagining myself on my knees in front of them. That thought turns me on.

I’ve also been thinking about my relationship with Mistress Katja. Relationship is the wrong word. I have strong feelings about her, but I don’t know how she feels about me. The point I want to make is that she rarely touches me. Only with the end of a whip. And I crave touching. So I have other fantasies that don’t include Mistress Katja.

Another piece that is happening is that I keep looking for places where I can be more "out". I was thinking about seeing a therapist, and when I thought it through, it was really an excuse to be "out’ to someone else. I should get back to the Wet Spot,our local BD/SM club.

Lastly, Mistress Katja responded to my complaint about lack of exercise by suggesting I take up yoga or walking. While these are good suggestions, I found the fact that she is willing to control my life incredibly exciting.

after my move

I moved this past week and was not able to blog my thoughts after that mind-blowing session with Mistress Katja last week.

On Moday, between waiting for the mover’s and getting a water heater installed, I did find the time to get my toenails painted and buy a pair of panties. The panties are my first animal pattern, leopard spotted bikinis, they look ridiculous on me. My nails are a great bright pink. While I may become more feminine, my taste is certainly slutty. Mistress also required that I buy a dildo and train my ‘slut-hole’ with it at least three times a week. I finally got to Toys in Babeland yesterday to buy the dildo and tried it last night. There was a selection of colors and I got a reddish one with sparkles, again no taste at all. Having a fake penis up my butt certainly is sexy to me. All I can think about is what about really being fucked by someone. I can only hope that someone will find an old chubby guy like me attractive enough.

I’ve had three separate trains of thought this week. The first is that not having the key at all is more of a big thing than I would have guessed. I’m really feeling powerless, owned, in over my head, sexually excited but not really happy. In short, confused. The sadistic part of Mistress Katja probably enjoys this feeling of weakness on my part.

The second is that I’m really giving up things I like to be Mistress Katja’s slave. The weather has been nice here and I would ordinarily be riding my bike to work. But I shower before work at the gym of a Catholic university, and while I could get away with showering with a penis piercing and perhaps with shaved legs, there is no way I could shower with my chastity device and painted toes.I haven’t been on my bike since I’ve had this device on and I’m going to try it this weekend. Loosing the ability to ride to work is a big deal in another way as well. I always struggle to loose weight and daily exercise is important.

The third is that I’ve been fascinated, as I have been in the past, with transgender issues. I’m too old and ugly to ever pass for female, but my fantasy is to be more feminine. I’ve spent some time on the web looking at some serious transgender sites.

I’ll report again soon.