The Emotional Edge

I had a session with Mistress Katja last night, and it was the most intense session yet. As they used to say in old novels, a curtain, gentle reader will be drawn over the specifics of the activities. But this morning my back shows that Mistress Katja is right handed. My upper back is a mass of welts, and my butt has a couple of good stripes. Mistress Katja gagged me when she whipped me, and I think that let her go further than normal. I was sobbing at the end.

For you chastity buffs among my readers, she took the other key. So now I have no key to the chastity belt. There’s a part of me that gets hard thinking that I’m owned and out of control, and another part that say’s ‘hey, that’s too much.’

Mistress Katja said last night that she thinks sexual obsessions are the only healthy ones. I’d like to think about this thought as well. She has added two exercises to my feminization routine. First, I have to buy a dildo and use it on my ‘slut-hole’ at least three nights a week. Second, I have to continue with the chat room impersonation of a female, but I should also disclose that I am a submissive owned by a dominatrix and that I like to be ass-fucked. I’ll try that later today.

In my youth, when I began cross-dressing, I would often be overwhelmed by shame after I jerked off. So I’d collect a bunch of lingerie, and then periodically, throw it all away. My reaction as a submissive in S&M relations has often been the same. I’d do some, see a mistress for a while and then stop and try to be ‘normal’. I think that I would have done something similar this morning if Mistress Katja hadn’t taken the key. So instead, I’m confronting this feeling this morning. And I’m not sure what the feeling is, but in a large part is an honest recognition that I am someone who gets high by being beaten, who loves being in a power relationship where I’m powerless, who wants in a large part to be like a woman. So the benefit for me of this chastity belt is that I’ve been pushed, emotionally, out of my comfort zone. Way out of my comfort zone

Mistress Katja says that she likes to move people to their emotional edge and keep them there. With me she’s doing a great job.

I'm moving this weekend and between moving the computer, packing, and getting a new phone line in, I may not be able to write for a few days.

Fuck me, please!

I did go this afternoon and get my manicure and pedicure. My toenails are a nice subdued lavender. I not sure I like this color as much as a girly pink. I also went to a S&M parlor and bought a pair of total sissy panties w/ lots of rows of lace. It was pleasant to be somewhere where I can be totally out.

Got my two bubble baths in, both Saturday and Sunday. I find that I quite like them. Also completed my chat room assignment. I ended up chatting on 321chat with some dude from australia. He asked me if "I liked it rough" and it was a hot session. I spent most of the time we were chating rubbing my nipples.

Which brings me to my next thought. As this course goes on (three weeks tommorrow) I get more comfortable with the feminine things I’m required to do. I spend a lot of time doing these things. What gets me is my fantasies are also getting more and more feminine. Before this all started I would fantasize about Mistress with a strap on, and now its about cocks, and people cumming in my face. Three weeks of unrequited horniness are bringing out my inner girl. And right this minute – I want to get fucked.

At the strip club

Mistress Katja has ordered me to take two bubble baths a week, and having missed my regular one on Thursday, and being tired I took one yesterday afternoon. I have to admit it raised my mood. When two weeks ago taking a bubble bath was weird and way too feminine, yesterday it felt right. I lay around in the bubbles, shaved my legs, listened to music and it was very relaxing – and very sexy.

Wearing this chastity device, and writing this journal has really "sexualized" my life. I think about sex a lot, often in new ways. An example was yesterday, after my bubble bath, I went out to dinner. I drove by a topless club and decided to go in. I was feeling very sexy and wondered what it would be like doing the tease thing in a strip club with my chastity belt on. Strip clubs have loosened up since I was last in one, it's total nudity on stage and table dances appeared pretty up front. I didn’t have any table dances, I think mostly because I didn’t want to explain about the chastity belt to some young beautiful girl.

Now the really weird part. As I was sitting there, I started to wonder what it would feel like to be one of the girls. Taking off all my clothes in front of a roomful of guys. Asking them to pay me to let them feel me up, doing a lap dance and feeling their erections. The fantasy continued when I lay in bed last night.

My cross-dressing fantasies are getting more and more prevalant, and more and more transsexual. I wonder if wearing the chastity belt is making me less masculine, or is being this horny for so long simply letting long suppressed fantasies arise?

This is a fantasy

Mistress Katja asked me at our last session to write a fantasy about a session with her and a transexual. I want to emphasize that this is a fantasy and nothing in this essay actually happened.

THIS IS A FANTASY

The facility that Mistress Katja uses for sessions with me is an old Quonset hut in a heavy industrial area. From the outside it looks awful-- rusty, old paint, and a tatty piece of paper hanging near the door "Ring bell for entry". One peculiarity is that the door opens outwards, and after I ring the bell, there’s often a wait, and then the door seems to simply open by itself. The reason for this rather creepy beginning is that Mistress is waiting inside, and doesn’t necessarily want to be seen from the street. Inside, it’s a different world, dim red lighting shows a fantasy land of bondage equipment, ropes hanging from the walls, several racks and chairs. There’s an old fashioned iron bed which looks like a relic from a catholic boarding school. A men’s urinal not connected to any plumbing but with a plastic pipe going down to about floor level. On my right as I walk in is the iron rack that Mistress prefers to whip me on, and I glance at it with a tinge of apprehension.

Mistress is waiting for me inside, wearing a long, heavy black satin robe, which gapes open to show its bright red lining and her red and black corset. Her hair is up, her beautiful and severe face is made up, her legs in hose ending in black high heels. So far, this is a normal beginning to a session with Mistress K. Our sessions have assumed a ritual flavor. First we stop and talk for a few minutes about my mental health, the state of my chastity device, and my general level of frustration. Then I take off my clothes and she ties me to the rack, and uses a variety of floggers and whips on me until I scream and cry. This period is followed by dress-up time, and then tease and denial time. But the point I’m making is that these sessions have always been just me and Mistress Katja. She has made references to my becoming a complete sissy and learning to suck cock, but I’ve come to think that they are only fantasies.

On this day, when I enter the dungeon, I see another woman, sitting on the couch in the rear. As Mistress greets me, I hear the other woman say – "So this is the sissy?" and I can tell from her voice that she is a transvestite or transsexual, although I can’t see her very well in the gloom.
Katja introduces me to Tiffany, who I can see better as she gets off the couch. She is short, with olive skin, and looks somewhat ethnic. She is wearing a black bustier with long thigh high boots. She is shorter than Mistress Katja, but taller than me in her heels. After I say hello, she says "Are you really ready for me sissy?" My mouth is dry and I simply mumble something.
Mistress Katja is all business, however. There is no chat, it’s a simple "get undressed.". Tiffany watches while I undress, and I have a moment of embarrassment as I pull down my panties, that are bright pink today. In a couple of minutes I’m in wrist and ankle cuffs and stretched out on the rack. Mistress Katja and Tiffany have a conversation about how much pain I can take. Katja points out how my erection is pressing against the steel of my chastity device and Tiffany giggles.

After my whipping had progressed to the point where I was squirming to get away from the lash, Tiffany asked Mistress Katja if she could try it. In a moment, Mistress Katja was on my left, and Tiffany on my right, and the blows fell first from one side and then the other. As I tried to pull my butt away from one blow, it ran into another blow from the other side. In only a few moments I was sobbing. I’m always humiliated when I start crying, but I think that Mistress Katja enjoys it.

But this time, I felt Tiffany’s arms hug me from behind. She whispered in my ear ‘Does it hurt little baby?". Her hands came around and pinched my nipples. I could feel her breasts on my back. Then her hand caressed my ass, and I felt one of her fingers search up between my ass cheeks and touch my rectum. I came back from all the pain and realized that today I might really become a sissy.

I was let down, and Mistress Katja had me dress in stockings, panties, heels and a little baby doll top. Usually Mistress Katja does my make up, but this time Tiffany took charge. I’m not a make up expert but I had the feeling that I had a lot more make-up than normal this time.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING ONE

When I was made up, Tiffany said, come over here, sissy. And I wobble over to where she was sitting on a high stool. "On your knees, you know what's next." and I knelt down in front of her.
She pulled her panties aside and pulled out her penis. "Start licking." I bent forward and touched

the tip of it with my tongue. I was very excited, I could feel the heat of my beaten ass, the exoticfeel of the clothes I was wearing. And right in front of my face was a dick.

I did the best I could with her penis. I licked up both sides, and then took in in my mouth. It was smooth, silky almost. It got harder as I ran my mouth up and down it. I took the base with my hand, and rubbed in time with my sucking. After a few minutes, Tiffany pushed me back and stood up.

Remaining on my knees, I looked and saw that Mistress Katja had put on a strap on. The strap-on was about the same size as Tiffany’s cock, but black. Tiffany led me by the hand over to the bed I had seen earlier. Mistress Katja said "on your knees." As I knelt on the bed, I saw Mistess Katja give Tiffany a long kiss. Then Mistress Katja said "which end of this do you want?" and Tiffany replied "I want a piece of that nice red ass."

They kneeled in front of and behind me. I took Mistress Katja’s strap on in my mouth and felt Tiffany’s finger go up my ass. She reached over and I felt her putting some sort of lube. It was hard to concentrate on keeping the strap-on in my mouth as Tiffany’s fingers went in and out of my ass. Then I felt her cock at my ass, and it squeezed in. It hurt and I gave a little gasp, but Mistress Katja held my head in her hands and kept my mouth on the strap on. Tiffany slowly pressed her cock in my ass. When it felt like it was pretty far in, it still hurt, and then she began to push, in and out, in and out. As she pumped me, I felt the hurt decline, and then I started to move with her. I realized that I was flying high, I was totally at the whim of of these two beautiful creatures, I was a total sex toy, and I was being fucked. I felt Mistress Katja and Tiffany lean together above me, and imagined them kissing, although I couldn’t see them. I felt the plastic strapon deep in my mouth, and my ass opening to receive Tiffany.

Mistress Katja came first, holding my head steady as she climaxed. Soon after I felt Tiffany pull my hips tight towards her and pulse into my ass. My poor penis strained against the chastity device. Mistress Katja pushed me off the bed, and Tiffany and her lay side by side, gently kissing.

"Did you like my sissy?" Mistress Katja asked.

"Oh yes, she’s sweet and fuckable." Tiffany replied.

Mistress Katja turned to me, kneeling by the bed. "Wash your face, dress and leave. We’re going to be here a few more minutes."

When I left, Tiffany and Mistress Katja were necking on the bed. My ass was dripping what I assumed was cum, but could also be Santorum (Dan Savage’s word for the mixture of cum and lube that drips from one’s ass.) I felt totally used and degraded, which was what I had hoped for.

ALTERNATIVE ENDING TWO

After my make up was complete, Mistress Katja had me take off my chastity device. She then put my cuffs back on my wrists and ankles and led me over to a chair which was bolted to the floor near the bed. She locked one arm and both legs to the chair and put a bottle of lube on the floor by the chair.

"Tiffany and I are going to let you watch us make love. You can masturbate as much as you want, but you are not allowed to come. Can you do that? Because if you come, you will be punished."

I watched as they fell into each other’s arms and back on to the bed.......

ALTERNATIVE ENDING THREE

After my make up was complete, Tiffany stood back and looked at me. She turned to Mistress Katja and said "She’ll do, I’ll take her." She went to her purse and took out what looked like two large band-aids. As she stuck them on my belly, she told me they were the beginnings of my hormone therapy.

Mistress Katja came over and handed Tiffany not only the box with the key to my chastity device but also my emergency key, which she had inspected earlier. Mistress turned to me and said "I’ve sold you to Tiffany. You won’t see me again, but you are now Tiffany’s property."
Tiffany said "I’m going to help you become a she-male like me. That’s what the hormones are for. I want you over at my place tomorrow, it needs a good cleaning."

A Wet Dream

I haven’t written in this journal since Tuesday, and I was tired and not really in a writing mood. I did get my nails done on Tuesday, and I think I mentioned that. I also had cyber sex with some dude posing as a woman. I need to talk a little bit about that experience because it was truly disturbing. And very hot. I think the thing that disturbs me how involved I became in it. I usually don’t like role play, but this example was pretty easy. I also don’t think of myself as gay, but there I was, imagining him on top of me, rubbing my poor little nipples. All in all, a WOW experience. Mistress Katja told me a while a ago she was going to rock my world, and that experience did it.

Mistress’s other new homework assignment is coming along. She has asked me to fantasize about having a session with her and a MTF transsexual. I can imagine the end game, but am having trouble with the beginnings.

The last weird thing that happened to me was in the middle of the night Tuesday. I often wake up with an erection, and then fuss around for a while before I can get back to sleep. Tuesday, I was having an erotic dream and woke up with my nice new satin pajamas all stained. A wet dream. I haven’t had a wet dream since adolesence. I’m not sure how my penis figured out how to do it without my assistance, but it did. I haven’t figured out how to masturbate with this device on, so my subconscious is smarter than me.

I’ve been locked up since January 4, that’s seventeen days. Of note is that I have sat down to pee all that time.

1st Chat room

One of my new assignments was to enter a chat room as a woman. I was supposed to copy the results onto this blog, but I couldn't seem to make a copy of the private chat. Anyway, I adopted the pose of a 40 year old woman, and had chat sex with a guy who said he was a 28 year old guy from CA. It really turned me on, and I'm sure I got him off too. This was on 321 chat, next time I'll try another and see if I can make a copy of it.

Daily report

Today is two weeks in the chastity device.

No entry yesterday, I seem to be settling in to my status. Twofold status, first as someone who cannot come, whose penis is owned by someone else, and second, as a more and more feminized man. I completed my two chores, bought a pair of panties yesterday at Victoria’s Secret. On sale, 10 bucks, a nice grayish purple low rise bikini with a wide lace band around the top. Very nice, I’m wearing them now, and they fall off a lot. Got my pedicure and manicure today. The shop was too busy yesterday, but today was OK. There were other women getting their nails done, and nothing was said, not even any funny looks. This weeks color is a dark reddish, purplish brown. It looks OK, but I think I liked the pink better. This is the third time I’ve been to the shop and there were a lot of women there today, they were mostly nice.

I haven’t yet tried my new assignment to go into a chat room as a woman. That’s going to be a hard one for me. I am working on my fantasy of Mistress Katja and a TS. When its written out, I’ll post it here.

Emotional Crisis

For those of you who are keeping track, this is day 12 of being locked up. I saw Mistress Katja yesterday for a session, and while she unlocked me for a while, it really doesn’t matter because I didn’t come.

Before the session I was very excited about it. I had bought two whips, and brought them with me. We started with a little conversation. Mistress Katja was curious about whether my obsession was going to get me into trouble, and I believe my answer satisfied her. My sessions with her are starting to follow a pattern. First she whips me for a while. Yesterday’s whipping was pretty severe, I have some nice marks this morning. After the whipping we play dress up. I show my sissy walk, she makes me up. Then there is a session of tease and denial, which I find exceptionally humiliating for some reason. Yesterday’s twist was a nice glass filed with a warm, light yellow fluid. It’s amazing that my submission is such that I will drink her pee without any argument.

Mistress Katja also asked before the session if I’d had any emotional crises. At that time I hadn’t, being generally happy about being "out" with my submission and making do with all the requirements. Last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. And then I had an emotional crisis. I was focused on not coming, and the desire just to have this thing off for a few days. I could jerk off like I wanted to, stand up to pee, go to the gym. I wanted the "manly man" part of my life back, and I wanted it now. I’m still a little depressed about the whole thing this morning. I’m following through with my routine, just out of the bubble bath, wearing perfume (a free sample of ‘Paris Hilton’), wearing panties. I’ll go get my toenails painted tomorrow.

I have two, no three, new assignments. One, I have to spend one hour a week in a chat room as a woman, (or a gay chat room as a cross-dresser). I should copy some of the dialog on enter it here. Second, I have to spend some time imagining a session with Mistress Katja and a transexual. That's going to be fun, I think.

Freshly Shaved Legs

Well, sitting here, comfortably in chastity for more than a week. I just got out of my bubble bath, (gardenia lily, a perfectly hideous scent, and the whole apartment smells like it), shaved my legs, and dug out some old cross dressing stuff.

In terms of chastity, its working pretty well. I wake up in the middle of the night very horny. I usually lie there and think of Mistress Katja, and try to be grateful for the opportunity to suffer for her. It sounds corny but I’m doing it, and its powerful when I do. I’ve been to work and it hasn’t been a problem so far, although sitting to pee is not fun. Yesterday, I was in a hurry and unzipped standing in front of the urinal, and then realized I’d better go sit down.

Went back to the S&M store in my neighborhood tonight. I was looking for a sexy little outfit to wear if Mistress wants to feminize me again. I didn’t see anything that I liked, but I did buy the two whips I saw the other day. Now I’m scared to show them to Mistress, because if she sees them I know I’ll be marked soon thereafter. Somehow I disclosed to the saleslady (a different one) about my chastity and she said, all matter of fact, "I had a man in chastity for 90 days once." It turns out she’s a Seattle dominant. When I got home I emailed her my blog site.

I hope to see Mistress Katja this weekend. More then.

Another day

Yesterday was my first day at work wearing the chastity device and it was OK. Just sitting seems to irritate it, although not majorly. Now that I’m getting over my cold, my horniness and obsession have returned full force. While driving home yesterday I got hard for no real reason at all and it just ached. When I woke in the middle of the night last night I tried to masturbate with the thing on and was unsuccessful, so it works.

I’m continuing with my feminine routine. Panties all the time, legs shaved, perfume every day. I notice that now that I’ve used perfume for a few days, the smell of my apartment is now subtly changed. It’s the perfume hanging on to the clothing.

Called Mistress Katja last night and asked for a session this weekend. She said that Friday night would probably work and she would get back to me. When I told her that I thought of her all the time she said something along the line that I had a real slave mentality. I’m taking that as a compliment. She was in a restaurant and we talked only for a few minutes. I hope she’s proud of me.

I stopped by a new S&M shop in my neighborhood the other night. It was fun talking to the proprietress without much shame about my interests. She was showing me the CB 3000 and I said “I can’t get through airport security with the one I’m wearing.” She had two different whips that looked interesting. One was a very thin carbon fiber, which looked like it would hurt like the dickens. The other was longer, and looked like a bunch of canes tied together. The shopkeeper said she likes that one because she usually breaks canes when she uses them. They also had real cool steel slave collars. They fasten with a allen key and are heavy and strong. They’re expensive and they don’t really lock, but I love the looks of them. It would be cool tho, to buy one of those whips and have it wrapped up in a bunch of flower’s for Mistress Katja when I see her.

Pink Toes, New Panties

During my busy day, I managed to complete my assignments for mistress Katja. I went to get a pedicure, same shop as last week, I still got the incredulous stare from one of the Vietamese women ( the hot one), but the other one remembered me from last week and it was cool. An advantage of Monday morning is that I was the only customer in the shop. It also went faster as its only been a week since the last pedicure. This weeks color, a bright pink.

Then it was on to Victoria’s Secret for my weekly pair of panties. I had noticed they had a sale going so I hit the sale bins with some obnoxious women. I found a pair of printed mesh nylon bikinis for five bucks. When I got to the counter, she asked me if I’d like a Victoria’s Secret credit card and I decided why not. I’ll probably be buying other stuff from them if I can see my future at all.

I’m wearing the Chanel Number five today, just a little bit in my crotch. I like the effect, most of the time I don’t smell it, but when I sit down to pee I get a nice girly odor.

I’m just finishing day seven without cumming, I’m still horny, and my obsessive side is fully out. I decided I was going to ask Mistress Katja for a session this coming weekend, as it will work better around some family obligations and my forthcoming move. I really don’t care if I cum or not, but I do want some feedback from her on how I’m doing.

More perfume

Downtown Bon-Macey’s today:

"Can I help you"

"I’m really at sea trying to buy perfume."

"I can help. Who’s it for"

"Well, its for me. My girlfriend wants me to wear perfume every day. It doesn’t have to be too ‘girly’ but it must be a woman’s perfume."

"OK, why does she want you to do that?"

"It’s a sex game."

"OK, not too girly, let me see."

That is the actual conversation as best as I can remember. The saleswoman was young, and obviously liked the idea of the sex game. I had decided I hadn’t gotten the most out of the perfume assignment by Mistress Katja, by not being honest about what I was doing when I bought perfume on Thursday. I also suspected that the reason I dislike this assignment so much is that I don’t like the Dolci and Gabanna perfume I had bought very much. So I went and bought some more. And that was the conversation. One reason I think the salesgirl was into it was that she suggested that I put some on from the sampler before I left.

And what did I end up with? – Chanel #5.

I just got out of my bubble bath, shaved my legs, remembered the body lotion. The bath was nice, I had a cup of tea, read a little, listened to music.

I like what I’m doing, and I never had the balls (or the lack of them) to act out this fantasy for so long, or so completely, and its only been four or five days.

I had written before I was locked up about the emotional imbalance between the top and the bottom. I am feeling that imbalance now. Large portions of my day are spent thinking about Mistress Katja. Yet, I have had no contact from her since Wednesday, and really can’t expect any. My next session will be scheduled because I want her attention and approval, not necessarily because I need to cum. We had talked about this emotional imbalance a little bit during our last session, and it’s a common theme in S&M fantasy. The submissive being gratified by just the merest attention. I crave it now.

Day 5, just like a woman.

Two entries today, First my journal entry from yesterday, when I was sick and not writingmuch:

I really don’t like Mistress Katja’s assignment to wear perfume. Last night it was just too strong. I may have put on too much but it still smells. I feel like I’m wearing a sign that says "sissy". This morning I just put on a tiny bit, in my crotch, and every time I open my fly I can smell the perfume. But, being a slave is being a slave, and I will comply. I’ll probably be used to it by the time I go to work next week.

For the first time since the session I spent some time not in the absolute throes of frustration. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a few nice minutes, quietly thinking. I’m feeling very sexually charged up, however.

Second, today's thoughts:

Today is day five, a new record for being locked up. I don’t count being let out by Mistress Katya Wednesday night, because I didn’t come and because that long tease and denial session was worse than being locked up. I’m mildly surprised at the extent of the forced feminization piece of this process. I guess Mistress likes it; I know I’m sure into it. Most of my fem clothes are packed away in anticipation of an upcoming move, what I have available is my panties, which I wear every day, my bras, and some tights and stockings. I’ve spent the past few days wearing each of my bra’s in turn, trying to decide if they fit and which I like better. The best ones are two European ones I got from a catalog, they fit great and look good. (In European I’m size 85 A). I’m uncomfortable wearing bra’s to work, I’m sure my clients would notice, so its been fun to experiment while I’ve been off work this week. I have a lot of what they call trouser socks in the women’s wear department, and I’ll wear them to work if I’m wearing ankle high shoes. I also have a pair of thigh high tights that I like to wear, although they do fall down.

The very high level of horniness and excitement I had following my session with Mistress Katja has decreased substantially. I’ve been sick with a cold and illness has decreased my libido. At any event, I don’t wake up in the middle of the night with a hard-on that can bend steel.
I’m looking forward to getting into the rhythm that Mistress seems to have in mind. I believe that I’ll try to make a habit of bubble baths on Sundays and Thursdays, which would also be a good time to shave my legs. Mondays I’ll get a pedicure and go buy that weeks panties.
Yesterday I wrote about how much I hated the perfume assignment. Today it doesn’t seem so bad, I may have used too much of it. If I feel better today, I think I may go and shop for another perfume, so I have a choice. I’ve also been thinking about buying my own makeup so that Mistress Katja doesn’t have to use hers.

I'm a lucky ducky

It felt strange to come back from a session, and not have the ability to jerk off. The session was incredibly sexy and emotionally intense, and my normal reaction would be to masturbate. Masturbation would give me a little guilt, some emotional release and a lot of distance. Instead, here I am feeling like the session is still going on. The fact is that I am now a sexual slave, and my major charecteristic is desire.

I started following Mistress Katja’s instructions this morning. I went to the mall and bought the things she requested. My first stop was at Nordstroms, where the lingerie is nice and close to the Men’s room. After using the men’s room (I always have to sit down now), I picked out a nice pair of thong panties. They are cotton with a design of small flowers. I don’t have any other thongs and thought I might as well try them, especially if I’m going to be buying a new pair of panties every weekend. The saleslady asked if I wanted them gift wrapped, and I just said "no thanks"

Then, after some other errands, I looked in the Bon for perfume, and was totally overwhelmed by the choices, so I postponed that decision. I bought two different bubble bath flavors – Peony and gardenia lily at the bath shop. They were on sale, and seemed pretty girly, or at least old ladyish. Last stop was back to the fragrence counter at Nordstrom. I had a really hot saleswoman – young, oriental, dressed in black with especially hot black and yellow stiletto heels. I just asked her "how do you pick a fragrence?" and we had a discussion about floral, woody or citrus. I smelled a couple of woodies, and a couple of citrus and ended up buying Dolce and Gabbana "light blue."

Then I came home, poured the peony bubbles in, made a cup of tea, put on Norah Jones and KD Lang, and had a nice girly bubble bath. Shaved my legs, remembered to use lotion afterwards, got dressed in my new, riding up in my crotch, thong panties. The perfume is very strong and is making my whole house smell. I’m going have to get resigned to smelling like I do.

I’ve been horny all day. The experience of tease and denial was emotionally devastating. Baby chickens or ducks will imprint on the first thing they see out of the egg. The experience of simply being horny for Mistress Katja makes me feel similarly imprinted on her. But its stronger than that. I want to simply be in her presence, no matter what it takes. Whatever this feeling is, its strong. I don’t think it will change until I climax, which won’t be until she releases me from this chastity device, and that won’t happen for a while.

I want to say, here publicly, that this emotionally powerful experience is exactly what I wanted. I have been fooling around with my submissive fantasies for a long time, and this is the first time I feel that reality is approaching my fantasies. Mistress Katja said that each time I see her I will get more assignments. And that the new assignments will be added on to the one’s I have. I have to say that I can’t imagine what my life will be like, but I’m sure that Katja will be in control.

First night, Tease and Denial Special

I blogged earlier, but I just got back from the beginning of slavery and I thought I’d write it all down.

So when I got to Mistress Katja’s, we sat down for a few minutes and she explained some things to me. She had read my blog and realized I was concerned about not having a key, so I get to keep a key, which is in a specially marked envelope. I thus have a key for emergency use. The rules about the key were I the first got and I’ll make a note of them. I must call Mistress Katja first, before using the key, and emotional crisis are not an emergency.

She then listed my other rules. First, I must get a professional pedicure every week. Color choices are up to me. Second, I must wear panties all the time, and buy at least one new pair every week. Third, I am to keep my legs shaved. Fourth, I am to get some girly bubblebath and take at least two bubblebaths a week. Fifth, I must buy some woman’s perfume and wear it every day. I can buy something that’s not too girly, but I must wear it every day. I must report all my activities on this blog.

The session continued with a whipping. I was not bound, but had to hold my position. This freedom made my servitude all the more evident, as I was willingly being hurt. It was a pretty good whipping. I just looked at my butt in the mirror and I’ve got some good welts.

The most interesting part of the evening came next. After dressing me in some lingerie and making me up, Mistress had me take off my chastity device. She then had me lie down and masturbate. She simply stood there and looked. I was told I couldn’t stop masturbating but I couldn’t climax either. After a long time of this, with very little conversation, she had me stop, gave me a strap and told me to get soft. I had to hit my penis with the strap and try to get soft. When I started to get soft, she had me lie down, start to masturbate and she repeated the process several times. I feel like I mastubated for a good half-hour, but I really couldn’t say how long. I never did come, and I finally managed to get soft.

Then I put the chastity device back on, and that was the end of the night.

I’ve read about tease and denial, but I’ve never been the victim of it, and I have to say it was a total mind fuck. Mistress Katja has rented space in my brain and I don’t think she’s leaving soon.

Almost there

Well, I took advantage of not wearing the chastity device and masturbated yesterday. Nothing makes my day like a new Vicki Tern story, feminization, sometimes forced, sometimes tricked, lots of good sex, and usually a twist at the end. http://www2.storysite.org/story/bigirls~01.html. Mistress Katja has been on my mind though.

So I put the spiral on again last night, and tonight I go and give Mistress Katja the keys. How do I feel? First, excited – like going on a big adventure. Second, scared – this could easily be a big mistake. Third, horny – the bottom line is that I find the thought of a beautiful woman controlling me to be sexually exciting. I also realize, I think, that it’s a lot sexier to be horny then to be satiated. So being in chastity may be more sexual than my old habit of wanking (nice English usage there) every couple of days.

I hope I’m ready. I’ll shower and shave just before I go. A funny footnote, I don’t usually wear deodorant, but I always do when going for a session.

The date is set.

I haven’t worn my chastity device in two nights, letting the little bit of irritation I had at the piercing heal. Haven’t masturbated either, although I may today – more on that in a minute. I have been totally in my obsession – wearing panties, a bra when I think I’ll get away with it, my nice new nightie to bed.

I made the date to give Mistress Katja the keys. K-day (for Key-day) is tomorrow night. I’m scared. I’m also concerned about chickening out, but this rock is rolling downhill pretty fast. One of my concerns is that Mistress Katja hasn’t been very explicit about how this is going to work. I guess slavery is giving up control, and all my chances of "topping from below" will be gone tommorrow.

I’ve been thinking about the imbalance in emtional involvement that this experience will involve. I am totally wired and focused, yet its not fair to burden Mistress Katja with my emotional stuff, except in so far as it gives her pleasure. I’m going to have to learn to be grateful for the attention I get. Mistress Matisse talked around this point in her blog today. http://mistressmatisse.blogspot.com/

So, should I masturbate today, knowing that I may not get to masturbate for a while. Or should I resist, so I can tell Mistress K, that my sexuality belongs to her already. You’ll get the answer next time.

Four days, a new record!

Well, I spent four nights with the spiral on. It works fine. I took it off this afternoon because I was experiencing some irritation at the piercing site, and I thought, as long as I still have the keys I should give myself a break. I think the irritation comes from two things – first, the ring around my testicles is a little too big, and slides around, bringing my penis in contact with my undies. Second, I’ve been wearing panties and I think they’re too tight. I’ll give it 24 hours to recuperate and then try again.

I have to say that having to sit down to pee is a big pain in the ass. At work, I’m worried that my co-workers will notice that I never use the urinals. But worse is the world out there. I had to pee at a tavern, dirty toilet, no lock on the door. And then after the movies yesterday, a long line, and I had to wait for the cubicle. I have more sympathy with women and their long lines at sporting events.

Being locked up changes what for lack of a better word is my horniness dynamic. Ordinarily, I would get horny, then jerk off, and that would be that. Now, not jerking off, its not that I’m always horny, its that I keep doing more and more things which feed my obsessions. With Mistress Katja out of town, those obsessions are mostly cross-dressing ones. So I’m wearing bra’s around under sweaters, have my legs shaved and wear night gowns to bed.

I’m anxiously awaiting an opportunity to see Mistress Katja. Hopefully this week. I bought a nice little gift box for the keys to the chastity device.