Second thoughts and Future tripping

Well, I haven’t written in this entry this week. No big issues to report, my piercing is healing well, seems to work OK. I remained chaste all week until yesterday, when I masturbated. I’ve finally figured out how to masturbate with the piercing.

So its been about three weeks since I decided to go on this course of chastity. The Spiral should arrive this week or next, and my piercing will be healed enough to try it on by Thanksgiving. I think its time for me to discuss some of the harder issues. I think I may have been in denial about some of these items, so maybe writing about them will bring some clarity.

First, when I’m locked up, should I keep a key for myself?. One issue is of course, I may have an "emergency" and need to get unlocked. Its hard to imagine what kind of emergency I could have. If I got in an accident, I’d be in the hospital with the device on and I probably wouldn’t care about cutting it off. If I had a MD appointment, I could probably ask my keyholder for release. Another issue is how much do I trust my keyholder? What if I need a release - - say for the Doctor – an she’s in Aruba. What if she just flakes out. In this case I made a bad choice. The real issue is of course "topping from below." If I had a key I would retain some of my power and the point of this exercise is that I am turned on by not having power. I just saw an ad for a key box which you have to destroy to open. I’ll order it and it may solve this issue.

The keyholder presents yet another problem. Being a single guy, I’m going to need a real keyholder. Mistress Katja is interested, beautiful, dominant, and in all ways will make an excellent choice. I’m looking forward to having her in charge of my life. The problem is whether I can afford it. I have a couple of dollars now, but over a long course I may not be able to see her as often as I would like. I’ve had this desire for a long time, so perhaps I’ll just have to give up something else. Another issue around the keyholder is how much contact do I want? I obviously won’t see her everyday, but once a week, twice a month, irregularly, at her whim? Luckily, I need not make this decision now. I’m sure that Mistress Katja will have some input as well.

Moreover, do we need a written contract? Would I feel safer? I don’t have strong feelings about this issue either. A subsidary issue is that the good part for Katja is knowing about her power over me. How does she want reports – email, calls? Will this blog be enough?

I’d love it if I had assignments or behavioral rules that I had to follow 24/7, in session or not. Writing in the journal, shaving, things of that sort. I was looking at some of the web sites that do "distance training" and some of them have good ideas.

I often ride my bike to work, and shower before work at the university gym near my office. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that while wearing a chastity device. My bicycling is important to me. But I think I’ll have to give up biking to work while locked up.

I’ll check in again on this blog when the spiral arrives. I hope to see Mistress Katja in the next week or so, just to practice being submissive.

Masturbation at Last

Well, yesterday I figured out how to masturbate with a new piercing – it sounds like an old joke but the answer is very carefully. More interesting to me than masturbating is the mental changes that follow. Immediately after, I have guilt, and think, well that’s enough of this stuff and want to go back to my old ways. Throw away the piercing, call it all off. That feeling eased up after a couple of hours, but since I masturbated I haven’t had the intense sexual obsession I"ve had all the previous week.

This experience leads me to a couple of thoughts. In all the fiction about chastity the submissive is often tied up when he comes and the chastity belt is put on before he is untied. I’m not sure that I’d have to be tied up but I sure understand why this is a difficult time. On the other hand, putting on the chastity device when in that "I don’t want to" frame of mind would be exquisite torture, especialy if I was being supervised by my Mistress at the time.

The other thought is that I now have a better feel as to why I want this period of deprivation. I feel really alive and sexual when I have these obsessions. Having that sexual feeling for a long period of time sounds thrilling.

cross-dressing makes an appearance

For those of you new to this blog, and I assume some people are actually reading this blog, here’s the story. I intend to be locked in a chastity device, called the spiral, and have the key’s held by a professional dominatrix, Mistress Katja. I made this decision about ten days ago. I have ordered the device and it will get here in another three weeks or so. I have also had my penis pierced in order hold the device on. I won’t be able to actually put on the device probably until December, so I have a long time to ponder my upcoming fate.

What’s going on for me now is that I can’t masturbate because of the newness of this piercing. I’m afraid that if I masturbate I’ll harm the piercing in some way, or leave it open to infection. So the combination of my excitement over my upcoming adventure, my lack of masturbation, (I usually masturbate every day or so) has made me incredible horny. I assume that this is what chastity will be like to some degree. One think that may be different about chastity is that I may be more focused on my Mistress, then this general defuse hornyness I’m feeling now.

I do need to report that I believe that my hornyness accentuates my other compulsive sexual activities. I’ve been turned on by women’s clothes for all of my adult life and yesterday I was in the closet digging out bras and stockings I hadn’t worn in a long time. There’s an irony there, I’m so horny I can barely stand it, and my response is to wear some clothes that only increase my level of desire. Somewhere I hear a masochist begging to get out.

I woke up in the middle of the night with a hard-on that you could pole vault with, and had difficulty getting back to sleep. I’m going to have to keep a really boring book by my bedside or an ice bucket.

My goal today is to see if I can get through the day without any other old obsessions popping up.

The dreaded second thoughts

My piercing seems to be giving me no problems at all. It looks pretty good, not any discharge, and is loose in its little hole. I exchanged messages with a guy in Australia who is already locked into his Spiral. He is complaining about irritation of the piercing but it seems to be minor. He put the device on about month after the piercing.

I slept much better last night, but I’m still horny as can be. I really can’t figure out how to jerk off without putting the piercing at risk. Perhaps I’ll spend some time tomorrow figuring it out.

I had one of those thoughts today – "Am I nuts to be doing this?". At my age, and after all these years of cross-dressing, submissive role stuff, I should be familiar with this mind game. When I first started I would throw out all my stuff periodically when I was feeling guilty or ashamed about it. But the fact is that my sexuality is inextricably submissive, and not following through on this course would again be cowardly. I believe this mind game is why I want to be locked up, so that my mind games don’t matter. I’ll be submissive regardless of my mental state.

A restless night

My piercing didn’t bother me at work, in fact it was unnoticeable. I did think about it from time to time, but I was busy and didn’t feel very well. Last night was another matter however. I was horny as hell. I didn’t want to jerk off because of the issues around my new piercing, I didn’t even want to touch my penis, but I was awake and horny for what seemed like hours. Even when I fell asleep I had a hot dream about my first wife. I hope nights like this are not a vision for the future when I am locked up. The other guy whose journal I read complained a lot about no sleep, but I thought that was because he was using a CB3000 which is uncomfortable. Perhaps sleep and denial are inversely related, a bad thought. Nothing more to report today.

Already locked up?

Well, I’ve had a cold and haven’t really been thinking about chastity, but I have realized one thing for sure. Because of the piercing, I am unable to masturbate, so I may as well already been in the device. I need to keep my hands, miscellaneous fluids etc away from the wound etc. I would also be worried about tearing the wound so – here I am, locked up already.

I’ve been thinking about what my relationship will with my keyholder, Lady Katya. She says she follows her intuition, which in some ways is a really scarey concept. I told her on Saturday about the web log I read with a man who was locked up for 67 days and she got a dangerous gleam in her eye.

Most of the fantasy literature is with couples and talks a lot about personality change in the submissive. I’m not sure how to get that 24-7 flavor when I don’t see my mistress that frequently. I suspect that I may be assigned tasks, tasks which either emphasize the tease and denial aspects or tasks which emphasize my submission through humiliation. For example, watch porn and report on it, or go buy panties in person and make sure the salesgirl knows who their for. I certainly don’t want to give up regular sessions with Mistress, I’m proud of my bruises.

First post.

This will be my first entry into the chastity blog. Last night I met with my Mistress at the "Lucky Devil" piercing parlor and got a frenum piercing. The pain of the piercing ws a little more than I expected but there has been no significant bleeding or discomfort. The purpose of this piercing was to accommodate a spiral chastity device that I ordered last week from Mistress Lori.
I bought a CB 2000 when they first came out several years ago, but it was always too uncomfortable to wear, and, as a bachelor, chastity play seemed a little tame. I never could play games like mailing the keys to myself etc. I have been a submissive for most of my adult life, and like many others I suspect, drift in and out of active participation. I hadn’t visited a professional mistress in several years and this fall my thoughts turned in that direction. While shopping on the internet I came across Mistress Katya, and she had chastity play on her list of activities. We had a wonderful, intense session, and talked a little bit about chastity. The thought started to rent space in my head and I decided to go for it. I also noticed the spiral device on Mistress Lori’s web page and liked the looks of it.
The device requires a piercing to make it secure. So after I ordered device I started looking at piercings. There were a couple of shops here in Seattle and I picked one. To my surprise, Mistress Katya came with me and held my hand while I was pierced. I felt very secure with her there. The piercer, "Rick", was very professional. I had an internal chuckle as he described how I should limit my sex life while the piercing healed – the whole point is that soon my my sex life will be very limited. Also, I don’t see how I can masturbate until this heals, so perhaps I’m already in chastity of a sort.
It’s now the next morning. I don’t have hardly any pain, and just couple of drops of blood on my panties. I’m thinking of getting pantie liners to protect the undies.
I won’t be able to put the chastity on until the piercing is almost healed, probably in about two months. I’ll spend the time before then contemplating my fate.
I also need to work out exactly what’s going to happen with the chastity. Most of the descriptions I read are from people in steady relationships. How can the power given by a set of chastity belt keys be exercised on me by a dominatrix whom I don’t see every day? I don’t know. Perhaps I’ll have tasks or exercises to perform, changes to make.
I hope to update this blog regularly, but there will be no active chastity for a couple of months.